a hedge fund manager explains everything

Job HunterWell, a hedge fund manager explains in unique, hedge fund managerial style; which is to say, you might as well take a hit of acid, down a few fingers (say, nine) of tequila, and put on an audiotape of the Math Olympics while watching an old 16mm reel of The Candidate simultaneous with a laserdisc copy of How to Get Ahead in Advertising. It’s Fear and Loathing in East Hampton, baby, so fasten your seatbelts; it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Well, for those of you with money, anyway. I, on the other hand, haven’t lost a cent! Ha, ha, ha! Where did I put that Janis Joplin album…?

So here, without further ado, is the simple, straightforward explanation of the global economic brainfart that just wiped out a significant, if small, percentage of the money of really, really obscenely stinkin’ rich people. Warm up your teensy, tinesy violins.

Hedge-Fund Guy Atones for
His Subprime Bond Sins

By Mark Gilbert

Aug. 16 (Bloomberg) — Dear investor, we’d like to take this opportunity to update you on the recent performance of our hedge fund, Short-Term Capital Mismanagement LLP.

As you know, market selection for the entire fund is guided by a proprietary investing tool we like to call “a dartboard.” Once the asset classes are decided, individual security selections are generated by digitizing our unique hexagonal cuboid models.

Unfortunately, it transpires that our hexagonal cuboids are not as unique as we thought. Hundreds of other hedge funds possess identical dice. The technical term for this is a “crowded trade.” You may also see it referred to as “climbing on a bandwagon already headed for the wall.”

As our alpha generation collapses, our beta has turned negative, our delta hedging has gone toxic and, trust me, you do not want to hear about our gamma. We can’t even find our epsilons in the dark with both hands…

and so on, at length. I think their bonus is calculated by the wordcount.

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Help wanted/help needed

Britney and Paris

Are you an intellectual? Are you at least intelligent? And are you, like me, fed up with the fact that it appears to be the unconscious strategy of the mentally inferior to simply outnumber us?

Camus once said that it was the moral obligation of the intelligent to oppress the stupid, otherwise they would take over the world.

Now, this may be somewhat along the lines of the barn door/bolted horse scenario, particularly in a world where men are still willing to have sex with Britney Spears, but I have an opportunity to pass along to interested parties that will, I believe, prove attractive to that particular target group while simultaneously rendering them incapable of spawning.

Ladies and gentlemen, via defrostindoors at the relatively demure Bridlepath, we present our first ever Help Wanted ad:

Looking for a tester of a Chastity device – m4w


Reply to: pers-375384078@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-16, 6:35PM EDTMyself and a friend are developing a new style chastity device for woman. It does involve 7 piercing to be done. Once the piercings have healed (6 months) the chastity device will be put on.The device is small and will be made specifically for you. It is a small plate that is put over your vagina with a slit in the center for your lips to pass through. Then there will be three rods that go through your lips and one through your clitoris over top of this plate. A top plate will be secured over top of this (with hole for urination and cleaning). Once it is comfortable and with no health problems it will be secured together sealing your sex inside your new prison.

The final product will be titanium and you will not be able to get it off. There will be no keys. Sealing will be permanent.

You will still be able to wear bathing suits and it will not be noticeable under clothing, but you will never have sex again.

We can discuss financial compensation with any woman that is serious in helping us test this device but please keep in mind that you will not be able to get it off so please be serious about this before responding.

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moi non plus

This is a good vid for those days when Fiona Apple‘s perkiness drives you crazy and you decide it would be a good idea to commission Gulag Archipelago: the Musical! Actress and singer Charlotte Gainsbourg has been rich, famous, and talented since birth, so obviously she’s got a lot to be depressed about.

Actually, if I had an accent like that I’d be depressed too.

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WordPress is blocked by Turkey(s): a blogger’s revenge plan of action

Turkish Flag

And here is why (all links my own):

Dear Sir,

We have applied to you to remove the unlawful statements regarding my client Mr. Adnan Oktar (who is the author of the books written under the pen name Harun Yahya) in your blogs. The number of our attempts to inform and warn you regarding these defamation blogs must have been at least twenty, many times through your support page, a couple of times to your legal department and we even sent a regular mail to Mr. Matt Mullenweg. Most of our attempts were unanswered.

These defamation blogs contained slanders to some of my client’s friends as well. They also applied WordPress.com support with their official ID cards and a representative directed them to write to the legal department. So they did but again no response from legal.

So we have become obliged to apply to Turkish judicial courts to stop this defamation executed through your services. By the decision of Fatih 2nd Civil Court of First Instance, number 2007/195, access to WordPress.com has been blocked in Turkey.

The organization, which is led by Edip Yuksel, responsible for these defamation blogs in question are currently up for crimes such as “building an organization to commit crime” in Turkey. The sites of Edip Yuksel, http://www.yahyaharun.com, http://www.19.org, http://www.calinmisgenclik.com and also the blog under your site with the user name http://adnanoktar.wordpress.com have been blocked by Turkish judicial courts in Turkey before(by Gaziosmanpasa Civil Court of First Instance, dated 06.04.2007 and decision number 2007/130 D. Is) . We have also sent you the official documents on this judicial decision in one of our applications to you.

Since Edip Yuksel and his crime organization could easily start new blogs in your site, they had even launched a campaign in opening defamation blogs regarding my client and had explicitly expressed this organized endeavor in his defamation blogs:

In order to make people hear our voice, let everyone start new blogs from websites such as http://blogcu.com or http://wordpress.com and let them copy the posts on those blogs and paste them to their own. You can start several at once, if possible. Please remember that the name you will give to the blogs, should be related to Adnan Oktar or Harun Yahya in order to find them quickly through Google search. If the names are already taken, you can solve this problem by using characters such as “_” (Adnan_Oktar) or numbers such as AdnanOktar100, Adnan_Oktar_50.

The aim of all of these blogs that he and his organization starts, was to insult my client. All of them were completely full of slanderous statements. There are still some sites left open -not accessible from Turkey, but still accessible abroad – :

http://adnanoktar.wordpress.com
http://adnanoktarveislam.wordpress.com/
http://fitikado.wordpress.com

http://oktarbabuna.wordpress.com
http://adnancilar.wordpress.com/
http://adnanoktarveislam.wordpress.com/
http://whoisharunyahya.wordpress.com/
http://adnanoktargercekleri.wordpress.com/
http://quiestharunyahya.wordpress.com/
http://harunyahyaarabic.wordpress.com/
http://safsataciharunyahya.wordpress.com/
http://savsatalaracevap.wordpress.com/

The below are taken but still empty:

http://adnanzedeler.wordpress.com/
http://kodadiabi.wordpress.com/

As we have requested before:

WE DEMAND YOU TO REMOVE AND PROHIBIT ANY BLOGS IN YOUR SITE THAT CONTAIN MY CLIENT’S NAME ADNAN OKTAR OR HIS PEN NAME HARUN YAHYA OR VARIOUS COMBINATION OF THESE 4 NAMES.

Yours sincerely,

Attorneys of Mr. Adnan Oktar (Harun Yahya)
Atty. Kerim Kalkan / Atty. Ceyhun Gökdog(an (Istanbul Barr register number:
27405)

Address: Darulaceze caddesi, Bilal Is Merkezi, A Blok, D:5. Okmeydani Sisli
Istanbul
Telephone: 90 212 220 31 20
Fax: 90 212 220 74 21
E-mail: rotahukuk@rotahukuk.com
ceyhungokdogan@istanbulbarosu.org.tr

Now, I made a suggestion. I rather hope it gets taken up by other bloggers around the world, preferably on NON-WORDPRESS.COM platforms. People using self-hosted WordPress, people on Blogger and Blogspot, people with LiveJournals, and people who reinvented the wheel and built it themselves.

It is this:

I put out a call for all bloggers, on all platforms, to make silly jokes and bad puns and hey, some defamatory statements about anal-retentitiveness while we’re at it about the apparently both well-connected and thin-skinned ADNAN OKTAR or his pen name HARUN YAHYA.

This will cause Turkey either to extend the ban to ALL blogging platforms, including mainstream newspapers such as the Guardian and the New York Times, or to drop their block against WordPress. Such legal actions have to be asserted in all cases, or they must be dropped.

What say you all?

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the Amityville toaster

Ooooooh, me wantsssss. Me wants baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. What happens when you put a poptart in?

Like, say, Britney?

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