Category Archives: Crime

Operation Global Media Domination: if it swims, it wins

Posted on by

baby microscopic octopusTIAI may as well give you what you want:

All Seafood, All the Time!

Seriously! And to think, when I started this blog I was getting incredulous “what, another post about Squid?” comments…

This is the list of searches that led to my blog today. You read the writing on the aquarium wall…

Search ViewsColossal Shrimp???
prawn on treadmill 14
steve irwin death video 11
prawn on a treadmill 11
beautiful agony 9
prawns on a treadmill 6
beautiful agony sample 6
steve irwin dead video 5
prawns on treadmill 4
Steve Irwin‘s Death Video 4

And what is my top post for today, beating out perennial winner and cleanest-cut pornsite on the planet Beautiful Agony, everyone’s new fave morbid wank, the Steve Irwin Death Video Controversy, and the Dancing With Has-Beens Dream Team of Aleksy Vayner and Lucy Gao?

Shrimp on a motherfucking Treadmill.

So basically, if it swims it wins.

The Technorati Blogworth Calculator in the sidebar finally updated and gave me another ten thousand dollars in imaginary play money (the only kind with which I am familiar) so I shall not kill the link. Yet. In related OGMD news, I’ve been consistently namechecked on ABC due to the Foley transcript that I linked to which is on…ABC. I outrank them in their own site.

I do not know what WordPress is doing, but I hope they keep on doing it, I tell you.

As well, I got some hits from CBS for snarking on Gao, which you can always depend on me to do, because I didn’t get to go to Oxford, and I’m not nearly such an ass, dammit, but I’m so over that now. That’s old news, but the Vayner saga, Vayner's model shotwhich I’ve mostly given a miss, has millions of people going “Gao, who is Gao?” at all the retro references and hitting the search engines. I’d rather own one douche than have a small piece of lots of them, so I’ve avoided much coverage of Vayner, laughable though he is (and by contrast Lucy Gao is really just callow, controlling and self-absorbed; she didn’t plagiarize a book on the Holocaust or invent pretend charities to head up). If he ends up getting busted with a converted schoolbus full of followers for some kind of cult murder I’ll be sorry, but until that time I shall sleep peacefully on this decision.

Oh shit, you don’t think he will, do you? Dayum…too late to jump aboard. The juggernaut has already left the station.

Allsorts: I don’t know who junaman is, but lots of people read him. He linked to my What is, like, up with Americans Megataco commercial and the next thing you know I have 117 hits! Well okay, I put the link into his comments section, Blog Pimping 101, but it’s proof that if you do that it had better be damn good, because the next time I checked the thread he’d gone and updated the post and given me the linkie luv. I don’t really mind making an ass of myself, but it feels so good when I don’t, ya know?

Also: won a cheap plastic token of appreciation on Defamer. Personally, I think that’s a terrible way to refer to Tara Reid, but we’ll let it go. The joke that won was an utterly filthy reference to a very obscure aspect of the Superman Kaldor mythology.

In related news, I’m right up there when you search for Tickle Me Darth?Celebrity Sex Tapes, courtesy of the Fondle Me Elmo furry YouTube I stole from Defamer. Again, I outrank the source; that’s what being dirty-minded when writing ledes will get you.

And the Osmond video link I posted to Gawker (Blog Pimping 101 again) seems to have gone slightly viral, ending up giving me double-digit hits from car racing forums for something that was actually recorded back before Donny was a solo act. Still, this was my good deed for the week, for yea verily, they rawked that shiat!

Okay, I’ve done double my normal weekly word count today and you’re no doubt thinking “Too much black, not enough modesty, biatch” but nyah nyah, Andy gave me my own domain, so there!

I always knew being a dictator would come naturally to me.

The view is more beautiful now that it is mine. Seriously.

don’t be a douche: listen to Jack Black

Posted on by

via BoingBoing. Jack Black, international rock god, movie idol, and philosopher, wants to stamp out piracy, and he’s sending us this message in the form of an embeddable YouTube vid with a copyright notice and the cover of his latest album one sheet for his new Tenacious D movie. Hmmmmmm…

god. hates. shrimp.

Posted on by

god also hates sea monkeys, as do all parents 

No, seriously. You can look it up: god hates shrimp.

In yet another aberrational moment, I am using a link someone posted in the comments section here, instead of something I stole mine own self off Gawker or Fark, as is the usual procedure ’round these parts.

It’s because I’m out of coffee; that would account for almost any aberrational behaviour on my part. I haven’t gone coffeeless in a number of decades, ever since the disastrous Inka experiment of ’86.

I’m assuming the link-dropper is also out of coffee, or perhaps in that blogger’s case herbal tea, as they requested specifically that I delete the comment they had just made.

And here I thought I was self-sabotaging!

Perhaps they fear the wrath of Cthulhu! In any case, here is the go-to site for all you shrimp-hating gods. I am interested to note that it informs me of a recently-overturned ban on shrimp-eating in Massachusetts and San Francisco. It appears that Christian fundamentalists there are now going to have to brave the risks of accidental apostology when consuming the jambalaya.

Play it safe, people: order the calamari!

We call upon all Christians to join the crusade against Long John Silver’s and Red Lobster. Yea, even Popeye’s shall be cleansed. The name of Bubba shall be anathema. We must stop the unbelievers from destroying the sanctity of our restaurants.

Giant Nautilus Squid, somewhat angry

when scrapbookers attack

Posted on by

Martha in court

It appears that some American crafters have turned to the dark side, using their glue guns for nefarious purposes. Whodathunkit?

Officers said the girls threatened a 78-year-old Parma Heights woman with a glue gun, knocked her down and stole her car from the Day Drive store, NewsChannel5 reported.

PSA: Empress Hotel to close: City to play along

Posted on by

Sound familiar? It should by now, but it’s going to get a damn site more familiar as we approach the Olympic construction deadlines.

From the Pivot Newswire:

October 18, 2006

Empress Hotel’s new owner plans to shutter it

Employees of the Empress Hotel, a landmark low-income rental building in the DTES, are reporting that the new owner of the hotel has told them they are fired, and that he intends to evict all of the tenants within three months. The Empress Hotel has 74 rooms available to Vancouver’s poorest residents.

“He told me that my job was over, and that he was giving all of the tenants three-month eviction notices,” said Charles Humble, an employee and resident of the hotel.

The new owner has apparently applied for a business license to continue operating the hotel as a low-income rental building; however, the story being told to employees of the building is a different one.

“This is just like the American Hotel,” said David Eby, lawyer with Pivot Legal Society. “The owner says one thing to city hall, and a different thing to the rest of the world. The American is now closed because the City refused to look beneath the surface or act when everybody else was telling them that the building was going to close. The same thing must not happen with the Empress.”

This week is Homelessness Awareness Week, an ironic twist on the recent news coming out of the Empress Hotel. In addition, on Thursday a motion is coming before city council to ban the conversion of low-income housing in the DTES to other uses.

“When these 76 rooms close, which is clearly the owner’s intention, those people who live in the Empress and have lived there for years and years will be living on Vancouver’s streets,” says Kim Kerr of the Downtown Eastside Residents’ Association. “The residents of the DTES are tired of their housing being closed while council waits for funding that is never going to come. Council must act to protect this housing from conversion immediately.”

The 74 rooms in the hotel represent more than 1/3 of all of the 175 wet/cold weather shelter beds opening for this winter in Vancouver. Current vacancy rates for housing available to people on welfare is near 0, as reported in Pivot’s recent report on housing in the DTES “Cracks in the Foundation” which found only two rooms available in the entire city for people at the current welfare shelter rate.

For more information contact:

Kim Kerr – DERA – (604)785-0009

Charles Humble – Resident and employee of the Empress – Room 701

David Eby – Pivot Legal Society – (778)865-7997

-30-

——————————————————-

About Pivot Legal Society

Pivot’s mandate is to take a strategic approach to social change, using the law to address the root causes that undermine the quality of life of those most on the margins.   We believe that everyone, regardless of income, benefits from a healthy and inclusive community where values such opportunity, respect and equality are strongly rooted in the law.

To subscribe or unsubscribe to the Pivot Newswire, just send a note with that subject line to newswireatpivotlegaldotorg.