Category Archives: Dating

the anthem for my novel

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Trent Reznor, hottieAnd yes, it is Nine Inch Nails; the song is called Not So Pretty Now, and it’s about celebrities on the long slide downhill. Apparently they rarely perform this song, and it’s not on any CDs they’ve put out, which in a way makes it perfect; esoteric is my middle name, and obscure is the right counterpoint to the book.

It’s also, upon close listening, Trent Reznor‘s autobiography to a certain point, which makes it all the braver of him to keep playing it. The beefy Marine look is, indeed, not as pretty as the skinny, shaggy emo boy look (and was, I had thought, trademarked by Henry Fucking Rollins anyway) but then the middle-aged hobbit look I’m rocking at the mo isn’t quite as marketable as the teenaged Jodie Foster I used to be, so I should talk.

Rosie Cotton needs a workout as bad as I do!

But the lesbians still offer to buy me drinks.

Did anybody else see Bugsy Malone?

Operation Global Media Domination: if it swims, it wins

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baby microscopic octopusTIAI may as well give you what you want:

All Seafood, All the Time!

Seriously! And to think, when I started this blog I was getting incredulous “what, another post about Squid?” comments…

This is the list of searches that led to my blog today. You read the writing on the aquarium wall…

Search ViewsColossal Shrimp???
prawn on treadmill 14
steve irwin death video 11
prawn on a treadmill 11
beautiful agony 9
prawns on a treadmill 6
beautiful agony sample 6
steve irwin dead video 5
prawns on treadmill 4
Steve Irwin‘s Death Video 4

And what is my top post for today, beating out perennial winner and cleanest-cut pornsite on the planet Beautiful Agony, everyone’s new fave morbid wank, the Steve Irwin Death Video Controversy, and the Dancing With Has-Beens Dream Team of Aleksy Vayner and Lucy Gao?

Shrimp on a motherfucking Treadmill.

So basically, if it swims it wins.

The Technorati Blogworth Calculator in the sidebar finally updated and gave me another ten thousand dollars in imaginary play money (the only kind with which I am familiar) so I shall not kill the link. Yet. In related OGMD news, I’ve been consistently namechecked on ABC due to the Foley transcript that I linked to which is on…ABC. I outrank them in their own site.

I do not know what WordPress is doing, but I hope they keep on doing it, I tell you.

As well, I got some hits from CBS for snarking on Gao, which you can always depend on me to do, because I didn’t get to go to Oxford, and I’m not nearly such an ass, dammit, but I’m so over that now. That’s old news, but the Vayner saga, Vayner's model shotwhich I’ve mostly given a miss, has millions of people going “Gao, who is Gao?” at all the retro references and hitting the search engines. I’d rather own one douche than have a small piece of lots of them, so I’ve avoided much coverage of Vayner, laughable though he is (and by contrast Lucy Gao is really just callow, controlling and self-absorbed; she didn’t plagiarize a book on the Holocaust or invent pretend charities to head up). If he ends up getting busted with a converted schoolbus full of followers for some kind of cult murder I’ll be sorry, but until that time I shall sleep peacefully on this decision.

Oh shit, you don’t think he will, do you? Dayum…too late to jump aboard. The juggernaut has already left the station.

Allsorts: I don’t know who junaman is, but lots of people read him. He linked to my What is, like, up with Americans Megataco commercial and the next thing you know I have 117 hits! Well okay, I put the link into his comments section, Blog Pimping 101, but it’s proof that if you do that it had better be damn good, because the next time I checked the thread he’d gone and updated the post and given me the linkie luv. I don’t really mind making an ass of myself, but it feels so good when I don’t, ya know?

Also: won a cheap plastic token of appreciation on Defamer. Personally, I think that’s a terrible way to refer to Tara Reid, but we’ll let it go. The joke that won was an utterly filthy reference to a very obscure aspect of the Superman Kaldor mythology.

In related news, I’m right up there when you search for Tickle Me Darth?Celebrity Sex Tapes, courtesy of the Fondle Me Elmo furry YouTube I stole from Defamer. Again, I outrank the source; that’s what being dirty-minded when writing ledes will get you.

And the Osmond video link I posted to Gawker (Blog Pimping 101 again) seems to have gone slightly viral, ending up giving me double-digit hits from car racing forums for something that was actually recorded back before Donny was a solo act. Still, this was my good deed for the week, for yea verily, they rawked that shiat!

Okay, I’ve done double my normal weekly word count today and you’re no doubt thinking “Too much black, not enough modesty, biatch” but nyah nyah, Andy gave me my own domain, so there!

I always knew being a dictator would come naturally to me.

The view is more beautiful now that it is mine. Seriously.

Conan O’Brian does the Monster Mash

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Stolen from Gawker. Why is it that none of the tall, handsome white boys can dance?

size matters, but not how you think

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I got this from Mainichi.com via Fark. It appears that, along with infantile, pervy accessories, giggling behind their fingers, and platform shoes, Japanese women just cannot get enough really, really tiny…

 Huge! Rod! Sale!

sushi.

From the land that gave the world such tiny treats as bonsai, midget submarines and shiploads of quaint consumer goods comes, according to Shukan Bunshun (10/19), the latest example of Japanese miniaturization — single grain sushi!

…

Single grain sushi is not the latest diet fad to hit the country, it’s just the latest item on the menu at Omoroi Sushiya Kajiki, a sushi restaurant with a sense of humor in Fukuoka…

Single grain sushi is sold in plates of 10 or 12 (arranged in a circle with a couple of strips of leek in the middle to form the hands of a clock) and features all the typical sushi, including makimono, tako, tamago, ikura, kohata, anago, ebi, ika, Otoro and kanpachi…

“I do it because the girls love it,” the crafty itamae tells Shukan Bunshun. “I tell ’em I’m gonna give ’em a full serving of sushi and then bring out a plate of the single grain stuff. They laugh and then go on about how cute it looks. Some of ’em take photos of it with their mobile phones. More than anything, though, I do it because I like nothing more than seeing a woman’s smiling face.”

So they laugh and tell you it’s cute? That hasn’t changed any; nobody can get those words out with a straight face.

iPod iPorn

Saudi single seeks same…if not same species

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A boy and his goatSo I’m cross-posting this from a comment on Guido’ s site. As he says, if you don’t like it take a full refund and don’t come back. But it was my comment anyway, so I shall paste it here unabashedly, not that I’ve ever been abashed, cuz you all know I’d-a bashed him right back.

My mother worked in the King Fahd hospital in Saudi Arabia back in the 80’s, and one day an unmarried Saudi fellow came in with a diagnosis of a ruptured penis. And for several days he remained in the hospital, taking wincingly painful daily walks in the hallway, drawing a fair bit of attention, as he walked so slowly anyone else could have run a marathon in the time it took him to do a lap around the ward.

Now, unmarried Saudi men are not supposed to be doing anything with their penises that could rupture them. They’re not particularly supposed to notice that they have penises until they’re married, except to ensure the pee isn’t dribbling down their legs.

So the medical transcriptionist was curious. And so was the entire pool of medical transcriptionists. So they asked my mother to find out how it happened, my mother being an unabashed sort (acorn not falling far from tree and all that).

So she did.

She walked up to the doctor who’d examined the patient and asked him point-blank, “So how did that patient rupture his penis? All the typists are dying to know!”

The doctor rolled his eyes, then looked left, looked right, waited till the coast was clear, then leaned in and whispered:

The goat bolted.

sigil of Baphomet