A Very, VERY Walken Christmas

Merry Christmas from Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken and his mother would like to deliver a few choice words to their fans this Yuletide season. Indeed, it can hardly be said to be Christmastime around the ol’ raincoaster blog without the scheduled appearance of the seasonal videos of both Mother Walken and Brian Atene as General Ursus of Beneath the Planet of the Apes.

We are not sure what your holiday traditions may include, but we hope to persuade you to welcome these new classics of the intertubes both now and in the future.

Some poetry from Mother Walken:

An excerpt of poetry from Christopher Walken:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even this mouse.
For I bit off its head, and shaved off its hair,
Stuck it in Timmy’s stocking, hung from the chimney with care.
The children asleep, waiting for Santa to come,
While visions of sugar…wait…what the fuck is a sugar plum?
Grandma in her ‘kerchief, Grandpa in his cap,
Had just settled down, for a long winter’s nap.
To say “just settled in” is a bit of a mistake,
Twelve years in those chairs, they won’t soon awake.
I think they’re fun, you can move them about,
I had just put Grandpa’s cold fist in his mouth…”

Surely you’ll want to read the whole thing.

I. Said. Read it.

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A Cthristmas Cthlassic

The Last Christmas

Do you, too, remember this golden Cthristmas Cthlassic from your Cthildhood? I can remember the plot to this very day…

It was a dark and stormy night. In his house at Rlyeh, Great Cthulhu was Fhtagning.

Fhtagn, Cthulhu, Fhtagn.

But though dreaming, he was not dead. He merely seemed dead. In reality, his malign consciousness was free: free to roam the galaxy, seeking ingress to the minds of the weak, the stunted, the insane. Finally, after torturous aeons of fruitless fumblings, he had found his entry point.

Television.

“Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the haunt, Not a tentacle was stirring, not even the night gaunt. The brains were hung by the intestines with care, In hopes that St. Cthulhu soon would be there.”

Infiltrating the airwaves with his inhuman, eldritch thought-patterns the sinister Great Old One was able to connect with those who had remained loyal to him throughout all the dark aeons of his silence. A little “shipyard accident” here, a little “missing in Arabia” there and poof! The stage was set for the Greatest of the Great Old Ones to rise again, striking fear into the hearts of all puny humans.

The stars (m)aligned. The Great Cthulhu rose, slavering for victims.

But how to get to all of them? Why, look to the Ancient Masters for instruction, of course. Who has free access and welcome into all households? Who has profound, unthinkable powers of transportation, manifestation, and time-manipulation? One, and only one being, my friends.

Santa Claus.

Yes, the old man had to be gotten out of the way. Thus began the battle between The Old Man and the Sea Creature from Beyond the Abyss of the Star Spaces and the Clamoring Chaos Which is the End of All Things, by Asenath Waite.

I won’t go into the details of the battle (too gruesome for a wholesome, all-ages blog such as this one) but rest assured, there was much mucous involved.

That accomplished, Cthulhu settled down by the fire with a nice, wholesome snack, and waited for breakfast delivery.

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quiz: what infectious disease are you?

Well this is a bit of a shocker to anyone who thinks they know my sex life. Including me.

 

You scored as Syphilis

You’re a little bit sexy and a whole lot kinky. Some people might even call you perverted, but we aren’t judging you. Your passions do run high, though, and you never forget anything–even if you seem cool at the time. It might take some time, but you always get even… and usually drive your enemies insane in the process. This strange combination of stealth and sex appeal has kept you gainfully, although not always famously, employed. Your recent comeback tour is going well, especially since you stopped listening to your critics.

Syphilis
 
95%
Malaria
 
90%
Influenza
 
75%
Bubonic Plague
 
70%
Necrotizing Fasciitis
 
65%
Common Cold
 
55%
Gonorrhea
 
50%
Amoebic Dysentery
 
50%
Cholera
 
45%
Gangrene
 
45%

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Merry Cthristmas!

Carol of the Old Ones
lyrics over the jump

It’s that time of year again; the time when families gather together (no, not the reading of the will!) and share what it means to celebrate Cthristmas.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fishmen
lyrics over the jump

We at the ol’ raincoaster blog have taken to this like Deep Ones to the ocean depths, decorating not one but four different Cthristmas trees. Which one do you like best?

Nyarlathotep, yo

The Azathoth tree

Chihuly Cthristmas tree

The Chihuly tree

Cthristmas Bonus!

The Squid tree

and the latest entry:

Cthulhu Tree

the Octophrost tree

Octophrost, in case you landlubbing types didn’t know, is the Santa of the Sea. Closely related to the Cascadian Tree Octopus, Octophrost brings all the good small fry of the ocean their presents, which he carries in a large ink sac.

Octophrost is made of snow and ice … instead of shooting out ink clouds to hide he shoots out a mini blizzard of snow, that he makes all the toys himself because he’s got eight arms, and other stuff like that.

Naturally. If Santa himself had eight arms, he’d get all that present-delivering crap over with in ten minutes, and the squalling little brats at the mall wouldn’t have a chance when they made a break for it.

Now let’s all sing some Cthristmas Carols!

[odeo= http://odeo.com/audio/3525903/view%5D

Blue Solstice
lyrics, also, over the jump

Continue reading

sunken treasures: aircraft 20,000 leagues under the sea

There’s something inexpressibly eerie about these 60- some-odd photographs of WWII-era planes and ships lying in their watery graves. Truly, the ocean depths are as close as we can get to an extraplanetary experience; this is not our world. We are slow, clumsy intruders blundering our bubbly way from one unspeakably ghostly site to the next, the silent life which teems all around us more alien than any of which fiction has conceived. We do indeed live on a placid isle of ignorance, and it is not meant that we should voyage far.

Sunken Sponges

Sunken Plane

Sunken Ship Stairway

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