Category Archives: Humour

Your Rainbow-Coloured, Sixties-Themed Unicorn Chaser

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that's how Lucky Charms gets its magical deliciousness

With an intro like that, what can this fabulous, magical Unicorn Chaser possibly be? Well, when looking for a unicorn chaser there are few key elements any savvy consumer should check for:

  • Unicorns. Obv.
  • Rainbows
  • The Funny. Always needs to have The Funny
  • Cute, unthreatening guys
  • music, particularly poppy, vaguely druggy Sixties music
  • velour. Lots and lots of velour. Bell bottoms and pukka shell necklaces if you got ’em. Flower headbands are bonus points, particularly on the guys. What? I’M SERIOUS!

What does this add up to? That’s right: MONKEES!

Consequently, when I ran across the following on YouTube, I knew I had to have it. Not only are the Monkees themselves absolutely made all of the things above except possibly unicorns (I’ve never placed them in a pentagram and spoken the Words of Command, so I just don’t know) but this video is a satire, one of the Literal Video versions in which the subtitles and redubbed vocals (hey, that’s a pretty good Davy, but the chorus can’t carry a tune in a lolrus bukkit) simply narrate what is actually going on in the video. The greatest of these, of course, is the Bonnie Tyler “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” itself a high water mark of musical geniositosnouss. While this much simpler video does not reach those heights, depths, or whatevers, it’s still fun and cute and hey, I still dance better than Davy ever did, so GO ME, right?

Amirite?

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Introducing Nicole Dobernig: there’s a reason it’s called TWITter!

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Just another typical midnight online. Another typical midnight when Nicole Dobernig, someone I’d clashed with weeks ago over spamming me appears out of the blue from yet another of her accounts (even her parrot’s account was attacking me the last time, but she did eventually realize it was a bad idea to use one of her clients‘ professional accounts to wage a flamewar, and deleted the tweets) and, of course, starts berating me. Because there’s nothing good on tv, I guess.

After challenging me to a “Rumble in Gastown” at the Heather and tossing off “fattyfatfat” insults like a cornered schoolyard bully, she did something truly unforgiveable:

She bored me.

I’m sorry, but there is just so much watered-down Eckhart Tolle and “I am an enlieteneded person of kindnesss” crapola a person can take. Surely the UN has some sort of law against this Torture By Oprah-ism? Click over the jump to see what it looks like when a small brain snaps under the weight of hostility and New Ageism. As always, read from the bottom up to get the full chronological effect:

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why I don’t work for corporations anymore

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Those goddamn “morale-boosting” job reviews. Like this one: (Oh, definitely, definitely NSFW unless you work someplace just as bad already)

This post sponsored by my sense of outrage at one woman’s request to dumb down the internet for the sake of her nine-year-old, who certainly knows those words already and probably wouldn’t be shocked by the news that Mommy doesn’t control the whole world, although Mommy might.

Also: not the first time we’ve dealt with this.

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Don’t stop till you get enough!

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Michael Jackson was the king of pap

Michael Jackson, the late

Don’t you love those complete strangers who reach out of the blue to send you hate mail and then follow it up with more hate mail saying they are SO DONE talking to you and then, when you don’t reply, send you even more hate mail about how they are LIKE TOTALLY NOT TALKING TO YOU NOPE NOT TO YOU NOT EVER AGAIN THEY ARE SO DONE WITH THAT. And then they send you one more to make sure you got the message, and then they block you.

What is it about Michael Jackson, exactly, that attracts a vast over-representation of the touchy and hyperbolic to his fandom? And don’t try to tell me about his many non-touchy, non-hyperbolic fans; I am talking about the vast army of gibbering, defensive nutters that orbit him like the rings of Saturn. If I could, I’d prescribe them a double dosage of Buddha Mind, but they’d probably wig out from the sudden mental detox.

Apparently something on Blogtalk Radio is set to tear  me, personally, a new asshole on Friday the 16th. Apparently I’m part of some media conspiracy (I can only say that the pay is terrible) to destroy MJ. Honestly, Jackson himself doesn’t interest me; it’s always been the fans. Why? Because they are the extreme cases of fandom, and if you want to learn about the Celebrity-Industrial Complex, you have to look at the fans. They are what it’s about, and the wingnutty ones are particularly fascinating, the way any pathology is fascinating.

The PR campaign didn’t have quite the effect intended: instead of causing a flood of comments to any of my blogs, it has resulted in a grand total of two nasty Facebook message strings, both from Australians. I guess there’s not much to do in Australia this time of year.

Tegan Ellis Facebook hate mail

Tegan Ellis is SO not talking to me. Over and over.

If you can’t read that, click here to open a bigger version.

Lindy Bartter is also not talking to me

Lindy Bartter is also not talking to me, but in worse English

Tegan lists her interests as Animals, Friendship, Equality, Compassion, Peace, Honesty, Intellectual Conversations, Rainbows, Horse Riding, and her favorite band is…

Nickelback.

The fans, they write themselves!

the jokes they write themselves

the jokes they write themselves, sometimes to Facebook

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Double Rainbow AutoTune Unicorn Chaser

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It’s a bad sign when you need a Unicorn Chaser for the week and it’s only dawn on Wednesday. At least this is a good one: the world-famous OH MY GOD DOUBLE RAINBOW video, autotuned into perhaps the greatest piece of music since Yanni retired.

If you would like to do your part to cheer me up, you can either send booze or drop a comment on my Mummified Fairy post: it needs fewer than 90 to get to an even 2000 comments! I’m somewhat cheered up to note that I outrank BoingBoing and Snopes on searches for “Mummified fairy,” but it can’t hurt to add a comment anyway, I might backslide at any moment!

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