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Cthulhu Sex Tape Shocker!!!

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Cthulhu finds his dream job

Appalling, yet undeniable. Even Mighty Cthulhu, devourer of souls, ravenous feaster of darkness who thrives on terror and the shrieks of the innocent, has fallen this low. I mean, crabs had to come from somewhere, amirite?

First, Cthulhu goatse photos leaked to the internet. Now, a blurry, night-vision sex tape. I ask: Can a reality show be far behind?

These black dicks are outta control!

Those aren’t snakes, boyo.

You cannot resist CTHULHU

Yeah, honey, don’t even THINK about going to the Labour Board with this. IF YOU VALUE YOUR SANITY!!!

Bonus: here’s a cute little tune, Hey There Cthulhu, which is a handy-dandy pronunciation guide to all the Cthulhu Mythos’ most baffling terms, in an attractive, neo-folksy package.

HEY THERE CTHULHU
(Lyrics from the Evilbore forum, but [ahem] spelling corrected; what? are you afraid of summoning Him?)
lyrics copyright © 2008 by Eben Brooks and Allison Lonsdale

Hey there Cthulhu down there in your sunken city
You’re a billion light-years distant and the stars look very pretty
From R’lyeh
So close and yet so far away. Ia Iay.

Cthulhu fuh-TAH-gun, or is that Cthulhu fuh-TINE?
I can never quite remember ’cause I’m not in my right minds
Since I met you
No one corrupts the way you do. You know it’s true

(Chorus)
Oh, it’s what you’ll do to me
Oh, and all humanity
Oh, you’ll rise up from the sea
Oh, kill everyone slowly
Except the one’s like me

Hey there Cthulhu, I’ve been studying your gospel
The Necronomicon, it gives me nightmares something awful
Where I see
The death of all reality. It fills me with glee

So when the stars are right, you’ll come and do your worst
But that’s okay because I know you’ll eat the cultists like me first
When you get here
I know that day is drawing near. I have no fear

(Chorus)

A billion light-years seems so far
Below the sea, beyond the stars
Of these humans’ putrid souls you’ll drink your fill
The fools will all make fun of me
But I’ll just laugh maniacally
‘Cause no one’s ever suffered like they will
Chthulhu, I can promise you
That by the time this cult gets through
The world will never ever be the same!
Praise your dark name!

Phn’glui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wagn’nagl fhtagn
Boy, that’s really quite a mouthful, can’t quite cram it in my noggin
Not today
I try to say it anyway
I feel my soul being to fray
Still I await that frabjous day
Cthulhu calay!

(Chorus)
Oh, kill everyone but me
Everyone but me

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Sami Salo’s injured testicle Speaks!

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Sami Salo is down, but his Twitter stats are up

OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!

Yes, Sami Salo’s not-quite-ruptured-but-seriously-slapshotted testicle has spoken. And to me, no less! Now get your ass over to TheCelebrityIndustrialComplex at TrueSlant and read the article in which I quiz Sami Salo’s ball! It’s the first time I’ve ever interviewed a celebrity testicle. Hell, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen balls that speak for themselves!

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Pull the other one: ORBIS Pull for Sight

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As god is my witness, I thought airplanes could fly. Next Saturday, we’ll learn otherwise, as Vancouver International Airport hosts an old-skool plane pull-off for charity.
plane pull Pictures, Images and Photos
The charity is Orbis, and they’re all about the airplanes since they have one of their own:

The ORBIS Flying Eye Hospital circles the globe to train eye care professionals and treat underserved patients in developing countries. Here are the Flying Eye Hospital destinations for 2010, as well as previous years’ destinations.
Niamey, Niger
Kaduna, Nigeria
Kampala, Uganda
Dalian, China
Chengdu, China
Phnom Penh, Cambodia
Jakarta, Indonesia
Surabaya, Indonesia
Da Nang, Vietnam

I know some of the people who’ll be pulling next weekend: each team commits to raising a minimum of $1000 for the charity. Interested? Get 19 of your friends together, raise some money, and show up Saturday to pull a full-size FedEx plane 12 feet. The winning team is the one who pulls it the fastest (magnets in your shorts might seem like a good idea, but would probably result in an involuntary de-pantsing).

Here are the key deets:

When, Where and What Time is the Plane Pull?
The ORBIS Pull for Sight 2010 will be held in Vancouver, British Columbia. There is ample free parking on the FedEx Apron grounds. The event area opens at 10:00am with the actual pulls occurring between 10:30am and 12:30 pm. The event will take place rain or shine.

Date: Saturday, May 15, 2010
Time: 10:00 a.m. to 1:30 p.m.
Location: Vancouver International Airport – FedEx Apron
Address: 3151 Aylmer Road, Richmond, BC V7B 1L5

How much is it?
There is NO registration fee. Each team MUST raise a minimum $1,000. All donations are entitled to a tax receipt. (E.g. For a team of 20 members, each member only has to raise $50!)

Why participate?
All money raised through the ORBIS Pull for Sight 2010 will go towards supporting ORBIS’s Kids Sight program that will benefit blind and visually impaired children throughout the developing world.

Here is the pledge form! And may the best team win!

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Welcome to New York, Ahmadinejad

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Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Totally Looks Like Jake Gyllenhaal
can not be unseen!

The NYC visit of the President of Iran is as good an excuse as we need to re-post this video. View it quick, before Lorne Michael’s little trolls pry it from the internet’s sadly un-tenacious grasp.

IRan So Far

Lyrics via JustJared

They say true love comes only once in a lifetime

And even though we’re from opposite ends of the earth

My heart tells me you’re the one for me

Mahmoud, I remember when it started, saw you on the news

You hating gays, I was eating food

I was feeling you, and even though I disagree with almost everything you said

You ain’t wrong to me, so strong to me, you belong to me

Like a very hairy Jake Gyllenhaal to me

Mahmoud, make my heart beating out of my chest

my mind says no but my body says yes

You ain’t no threat, the only threat I see, is the threat of you not coming home to me

Our love for each other is like when atoms collide

Can’t express how I feel, and yo Adam let’s ride

And Iran, Iran so far away is your home, but in my heart you’ll stay

He ran, for the president of Iran

We ran together to a tropical island

My man, Mahmoud is known for violence

Smiling, if he can still do it then I can

They call you weasel, they say your methods are medieval

You can play the Jews, I can be your Jim Caviezel

S&M, (?) when we’re wrestlin’

You can be the port that I put my vessel in

So I try to (?) but you can still see me

With your sleepy brown eyes, butter pecan thighs

And your hairy butt… Yeah.

And Iran, Iran so far away

Come home, and in my arms you’ll stay

Used to look at the stars and dream

Around the world the same stars we’re seeing

And a twinkle in your eyes Mahmoud

Talk smooth to me, in the night sky

With you pants high waisted, damn so fly

We can take a trip to the animal zoo

And laugh at all the funny things that animals do

Like Eugene, you got me straight trippin’ boo

Hope you look at my eyes and say I’m trippin’ too

You say (?) but they already do

You should know by now, it’s you

You crazy for this world Mahmoud

So give us another Holocaust all you want

But you can’t deny that there’s something between us

I know you say there’s no gays in Iran

But you’re in New York now baby

So time to stop hating and start living

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Lin Yu Chun and William Fucking Shatner perform Total Eclipse of the Heart

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Let’s face it: there’s just no point in watching any kind of television but late night. It’s more of a soap opera, more of a drama, more of a mind-blower. And here’s the latest mind-boggling video sensation: Lin Yu Chun, the Taiwanese Susan Boyle and The Shat, together performing the greatest ballad in the history of recorded music.

via JustJared

We here at the ol’ raincoaster blog are, of course, well known as arbiters of taste and it needn’t be said that we are, of course, and always have been, all over this pinnacle of musicality, this greatest test of a vocal performer. And we are and always have been all over The Shat (at least since the restraining order expired).

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