Category Archives: Weird

Operation Global Media Domination: Operation Ego!

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TIABeen awhile since-t we had one of these, so there is much to report on the Global Media Domination front.

Beavers continue to do well, particularly after I scandalized a certain blogging conference with my references thereunto: one gathers they’re far more used to hearing terms like “Analytics” and “Clickthroughs” than anything more vividly … uh … castidoraean. Conclusion: Blogging about beavers is great for hits, but getting other people to blog about you blogging about beavers is truly Web 2.0.

I’m in ur googlez, baitin ur linkz!

Harshing on best-sellers in the comments sections of other people’s blogs is tonic for stats. If I wanted to win this, I’d simply say straight out that Dave Eggers’ prefaces and footnotes blow Jonathan Really Rather Ordinary and Mister Norell away, but I’m not like that…besides, Eggers has annoyed me recently.

Oo! Oo! I should pick a fight with Dave Eggers! He’s got a baby; no way is he well-rested enough to defend himself.

In other news, shoes are even better for hits than flamewars, particularly when the Manolo bypasses the two original-source articles I sent him and links directly to my own post. This takes me to my happy place and teaches me that there is divine justice in the world: those three pairs of fabulous shoes I bought on Robson Street were as sacrifices to the god of shoeblogging, and He looks after His Own, to the tune of perhaps six hundred extra hits over the weekend and a regained spot in the top 20 WordPress blogs and yay, finally! a temporarily regained place in Top Posts of the Day.

Not quite as good as blogging about shoes is blogging about crocheted bellydancing accessories; it may not bring as many hits, but it does bring prey, so that’s something. And, as always, flamewars bring out the necrophiliacs who gather around to watch the battle. I have no issue with people disagreeing with me: I have a major issue with people misrepresenting what I’ve written and being twofaced. And I have no issue at all with dumb, defensive, hypersensitive, condescending people; nope, no issue at all. It’s kill on sight.

Potentially more dangerous, or at least more criminal, are the readers of Court TV‘s forum who are fascinated (if, apparently, confused) by my post on the uselessness of Howard K. Stern‘s sperm. I mean, the rest of him is useless too; how hard can it be to figure out? But they can’t tell when I’m joking, when I’m quoting, or indeed, why any of this matters or if it matters at all. FWIW here’s a roundup: drug-abusing kid dies, junkie mother dies, rich baby held for ransom by lawyer with the paperwork and Larry Birkhead has the most obvious nose job in the history of the world. You’re welcome.

Also, broke 18k on Technorati. If this keeps up at the rate it’s been going, by this time in 2009 I will be the #1 blogger in the world.

*rubs hands together, mutters “eeeeeexcellent!“*

In Ego news, this is not designed to keep me humble; although truly it’s hard to imagine what could. That is obviously not a task to be undertaken by mortals, and Curtis has wisely chosen the easier path of flattery, may Azathoth poop ten-tentacled blessings upon him and ensure that he never glimpses the Unspeakable Pun at the Centre of the Universe and thus goes irrevocably insane.

Cuz then he couldn’t flatter me again, yo.

Curtis‘ technique is emulated by the esteemed and historic Juvenal of Bread and Circuses, although he fails to specify whether I am bread or circuses; I prefer to think of myself as some kind of fusion between the two, a juggling pop-tart, perhaps, or a particularly acrobatic type of crumpet, performing daring stunts on the back of a docile and magnificent Andalusian and no, I don’t mean Antonio Banderas.

In related news, az has posted about the fascinating internet personality type taxonomy site Flame Warriors, and guess which type I am!!!

But I am impervious to insult:

i can has force field!

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St. Patrick’s Day orgies of the Elder Gods

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Cthulhu Drunk

Well, now we know how the Elder Gods celebrate their nameless rites on the eldritch and unspeakable occasion of St. Patrick’s Day. Do you suppose when he drove the snakes out of Ireland that he drove the Tentacled One out as well? And are those Captain Marsh’s Olde Newe Englande Rumme bottles I see around His Eldritch and Obscene Noxiousness? 

Also, check out the noodly appendage below; not bad for someone who’s been dead for millions of years. Oh, my bad: I guess showing a Great Old One’s Not Too Scruffy Old One should get this the NSFW tag.

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Kiss me, I’m Reebok St. Patrick’s Day Classic Sneaker

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Begorra! 

Yes, they are real. Reebok St. Patrick’s Day Classics. Green, with white trim, shamrocks, and “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” on the heel cup.

And a goddam Union Jack on the label. Use orange laces on these buggers and you could start another civil war right there on the sidewalk. If you check out the other model through the link above, you’ll see that the Orangemen are also well-represented. I can’t wait to see that in an updated version of West Side Story.

A sneaker you can wear once a year. The fashion world has reached its apotheosis, people; here is where it ends. Here, Karl Lagerfeld swallows his own tail and vanishes in a puff of brimstone.

Besides, they’re Reebok: they’re crap. Soft, pretty crap, but it’s a good thing they’re only wearable one day a year, because that’s the only way Reeboks would last more than one year anyway.

I’m wondering, looking at these, if they were designed by a Dublin dominatrix who, being new to the business, hadn’t really gotten the hang of the “Kiss my feet” thing yet.

“Yo P.Paddy, is it me feets ye’d be kissin?” Heel, boy.

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Celebrating the 70th anniversary of the Transition of Howard Phillips Lovecraft

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Rats, I'm telling you! Rats in the walls!

God grant me the grace to pump out something decent in memory of the 70th anniversary of the death of HP Lovecraft, the power to force the audio player to work, and the wisdom to come back later and edit this into something that makes a helluva lot more sense than it does at 4:18am.

Audio from SFFAudio, via SFSignal. For more audio of forbidden madness, check out this roundup of all available HP Lovecraft audio.

Yog-sothoth be praised! If you’ve been looking for H.P. Lovecraft audio look no farther! We’ve compiled a list of all the story readings and audio dramas that we know about! Most of these “old ones” are out of print but once you know it exists you’re half way to finding it – though perhaps that’s not the wisest move. If you own one of these audiobooks and can provide more details or a scan of the cover art please send us an email. But no copies of the Necronomicon please …. we’re crazy enough!

the library cards of the acolytes of the elder gods 

and now, here’s your Podcast of the Elder Gods:

The Dunwich Horror
(23 minutes)

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mammoth sale!

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Woolly! Mammoth! On! Sale! Now! 

Only three and a half months till my birthday, people!

You didn’t come through with the Golden Mermaid for Christmas even though it was at the top of my list, right under the pony, so here’s your chance to make up for it (Metro and Mistress Cowfish excepted; anyone who gives me a bobbing squid to celebrate the birth of Our Saviour gets serious cred around these parts).

Today from Wisconsin comes news that the woolly mammoth skeleton discovered there in 1996 may be for sale soon. One only hopes Grampa Clem here isn’t aware of the current market value of this particular example of the Insanely Cool Knicknacks genre.

And practically speaking, if you’ve seen my living room you’ll know that adding a mammoth skeleton to the mess won’t make a bit of difference, crowding-wise. I may die under piles of stuff from my shelves, but at least the rescue workers will have a great time digging out the body. “Hey Bob, look at THIS!” “That’s nothing Lisa, did you see she’s got three of THESE? And they’ve still got their scales!”

A 76-year-old Kenosha County man in whose cornfield the skeleton of a mammoth believed to be about 12,500 years old was dug up in 1994 is interested in selling it, and officials of the Milwaukee Public Museum are interested in it.

“I’m just looking for some funds for my grandkids’ college,” John Hebior said the possible sale of the skeleton now in 15 large wooden crates and four plastic tubs in the basement of his farmhouse five miles west of Somers.

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