Ten Things You Don’t Know About Women, by Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jennifer Love Hewitt’s face is up here

O RLY? Yes, RLY.

She’s not as bimbonic as she looks. She certainly is smart enough to have hired a PR who can pick out a good ghostwriter!

From Esquire, via PopOnThePop:

1. PMS is not a lame excuse to be able to yell at you. It’s a great excuse.

2. We really can pump our own gas. It’s just that we’ve got this fantasy of you as a ’30s-era full-service station attendant. You’d look so cute in the hat.

3. We’re not complimented when you call your ex a slut. She dated you, too. So what are we?

4. We’re smart enough to know that smell is always the dog.

5. Yes, we can dish it out.

6. No, we can’t take it.

7. We want to raise children. We just don’t want you to be one of them.

8. Women are meant to talk and men to listen. We don’t want to be fixed; we want to be heard.

9. When we ask if you’ve had any work done, it’s because we want to know what our kids will really look like.

10. When we ask you how we look, it’s okay to lie; when we ask you how she looks, you better lie.

I disagree with #6, but then, I’m considerably better-nourished than Ms JLoHew, and as everyone knows, cocaine interferes with one’s ability to detect #4. #2, though. What was she thinking, letting that out of the bag?

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the salt mines

Coal MinersWorking for a living. Yeah, it sucks. The long, monitor-lit hours, from the very moment your afternoon coffee is ready right up until it’s time for cocktails, it is a gruelling, bone-crushing slog. The nightly thrashings from the trolls. The technical difficulties. The next-morning regrets when the boss asks why you posted the decapitation story on a mommyblog.

While some are fortunate enough to get iFreebie after iFreebie, some of us must content ourselves with only a token collection of, say, Viggo Mortensen videos, jewelry, international trips, and squid-themed clothing sent by various well-wishers from across the planet.

Honestly, what’s a humble anarchist squid/parenting/gossip blogger to do?

If you only knew the thousands of twisted, revolting things I have comb through every day just to find you something of the quality of Baby Toupee, show you a scientific video as breathtakingly beautiful as It’s Full of Stars, or compose a symphony of intertextual meaning such as Linkabilly Roundup, you’d bow your head and solemnly click the SUPPORT OPERATION GLOBAL MEDIA DOMINATION Paypal donation button near the

Top

Right-Hand

Corner

of the blog.

Again, for those just tuning in: the Support OGMD Paypal donation button is in the sidebar, on the right-hand side of the blog. Click at will.

Click early. Click often.

In any case, as I have recently been asked “How do you know this stuff” I thought I would give you a sample, however small, of the revolting masses of teeming Hollywood effluent through which I must wade day in and day out, slaving away for my crust and a bowl of scummy, tepid water.

Without so much as a Fish Head to gnaw on.

Go on. Click. But be warned: this stuff will fucking break you. You can’t handle it. No one can for long, and retain their sanity. Just be thankful that there are a legion of us bloggers out there protecting you from coming into contact with such things directly. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.

You’re welcome. You’re warned.

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Continue reading

Robot Vampire vs the Four Hopping Ninjas of the Apocalypse

Hoo, baby, you don’t want to go up against the Four Hopping Ninjas of the Apocalypse! These fearsome, kangarooian warriors put even the terrible Lo Pan of Big Trouble in Little China to shame. The last time I saw these guys I was leaving the Shebeen late one night and caught the briefest glimpse before they started hopping in a circle around me, faster and faster. Soon, everything was spinning.

And then the pink elephants began to dance

An awesome scene featuring some top class fight choreography and special effects. Witness the titanic struggle of Man-Machine versus not one, not two, not even three but four evil hopping vampires!

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The Tom Cruise Scientology Constipation Video

YOU don’t know constipation cures! Tom Cruise DOES!

“I have canceled that in my area.”

That is my future t-shirt slogan.

Best. Scientology. Mashup. Evar.

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quiz: who’s your tv boyfriend

I have a slight disadvantage, since I haven’t used my tv to do anything more than play Viggo Mortensen movies and exercise videos in the last five years and have barely heard of these people, but I stole this from max @ CelluloidBlonde, who knows her way around the electric teat, so it must be good.

Besides, I got a good one.

max stole it from pooks

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