Category Archives: rants

Sunday Songlist

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Worship Cthulhu

Worship Cthulhu

Welcome to Sunday. Sunday is, quite obviously, the most important day of the week.

It is the day the restaurants close.

In an age of over-adequate labour supplies and chefs, sous chefs, and assistant-sub-sous chefs, there can, of course, be only one reason for EVERY FUCKING RESTAURANT I WANT TO GO TO being closed on a Sunday. TWICE IN A ROW.

Everyone on staff has gone off to worship.

Cthulhu worship

Cthulhu worship

For those of you picturing neat rows of Episcopalian pews filled with shiny, freshly-scrubbed food and beverage staffer faces, allow me to shatter your dreams now. Think back to the last time you were at a good restaurant. The bartender, the waitstaff, the chef, the buspersons…did they look familiar from church? Did they even look like the type of person who goes to your church? I think not. I very much think not.

Yet, Sunday closures. Therefore, they must be Cthulhu worshipppers. It’s the only logical conclusion. When everything impossible has been eliminated whatever is left, however improbable, must be the truth, and you KNOW those people  don’t show up at your church, now do they? So does it really matter what flavour of damnation they choose, whether it’s Lutheranism or SisterWifeism or Whateverism? No. But restaurant staffers, if they’re clever, know exactly how to play the angles. They know how to pick a winner and glom on to him like there’s no tomorrow, which is why Gordon Ramsay’s busboy is the same as he was twenty years ago, only with more scars.

Hence, Cthulhuism.

Cthulhu Worship for doubters

Cthulhu Worship for doubters

Now there’s a religion that pays out for your investment. The stars are going to align almost any day now and when they do, acolytes of the Cult of Cthulhu such as myself and all non-fast-food restaurant staffers are going to be on the top of the world, along with loathesome, towering monstrosities of which you’ve never dreamed in your worst nightmares. If you really, truly doubt that Cthulhuism has infiltrated, influenced, and irrevocably changed mainstream culture, listen up: has there not been a VAST increase in the number of women insisting on being eaten first?

I rest my case.

Now, let us sing, Cthulhian-hipster style.

The Fishy Song

Hey There Cthulhu

I’ll just leave this here

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I hear this all the damn time

I hear this all the damn time

A 500% (PERCENT!) increase in incarceration rates over the past thirty years. But don’t sweat it. You keep your head down. You focus on your work. You do what you’re told.

You just keep telling yourself everything’s fine. It’s what THEY would want.

I am Free

I am Free

Hump Day Unicorn Chaser: what did you do yesterday raincoaster edition

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I'm a fucking unicorn

I’m a fucking unicorn

Truth be told, I’m not really feeling the whole Unicorn Chaser phenomenon, but it’s fucking Wednesday so here you go with the kyoot kittehs and assorted adorbz shit.

Snuggie-clad ProtoGay Performs Beyonce:

Seriously, The Thuggie should give that kid some money and backup dancers from Glee and shoot their own commercial. 105,000 views in ten days isn’t scruffy.

If that wasn’t gay enough, let’s have a Kiki!

Okay, your unicorn chaser cutemeister is officially outta here.

Dandelion bailing the fuck outta here

Dandelion bailing the fuck outta here

Time to get real. IF this internet will let me (Starbucks, we’re gonna have words, I tell ya; when Wind mobile is faster, you KNOW you’ve got a problem).

So, what did your intrepid blogger do yesterday, you’re all wondering? Yes? Put your plausible faces on, audience, I like a little effort on your part.

  1. Interviewed Anonymous for an hour and a half on the Par:AnoIA leaks site. Got trolled, what do you expect? but survived.
  2. Sent another list of questions to State Rep Dan Gordon of Rhode Island (this is the third time; he says he’ll answer this time, who knows, he even might)
  3. Sent an email interview question list to Brian Vidovic of EXP bar and restaurant, which hopes to open soon IF they can get this tsuris with their liquor license cleared up.
  4. Interviewed John Young, the founder of Cryptome (and a co-founder of WikiLeaks) and god, wasn’t THAT an experience and a half. Post should be up on the Daily Dot tomorrow, and will be epicsauce. Unless your initials are DDB or JA. Or raincoaster. But how did he KNOW I was a deranged terrorist?
  5. Actually got a workout done, 20 minutes on the stationary bike but better than nothing. I’m doing a 30 day boot camp thingy, so far so good.
  6. Deciphered a math puzzle GIF at 4am, found out the original poster back in 2004, found an alternate version of the same puzzle with the opposite result, found the most lucid and easy to follow explanation on the net, and wrote it up for my Morning GIF: the Fibonacci Bamboozle. God I wish I had to go to a party with math nerds, so I could wear a tank dress with a spiral of sequins on it and explain I was wearing “Fibonacci Sequins!”
  7. Tweaked my Adsense account and ads on Lolebrity.net
  8. Set up monetization on my YouTube channel, but for whatever reason I can’t activate it on the video with over a million views. Ranted at Support after taking 45 minutes to FIND support at YouTube.
  9. Storified the epic Twitter battle between the new @AnonymousIRC and @Wikileaks.
  10. Read several apparently-still-classified documents on infosec and learned a great deal.
  11. Scored half price sushi at T&T for dinner, keeping strictly to my No Flour, No Sugar, No Salt diet. Oh, and did all this while getting in an hour and a half of walking as well.
  12. Felt smug right up until falling asleep face-first in my book.

Which reminds me it’s time to get off the internet, jam some food down my gullet, and get my workout in for today. What did I do today? Pitched four stories or five, can’t remember, wrote up the John Young interview, revised it, waited…waited…waited, went and got my other blog posts up.

and THIS is how you troll

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Forgive the copy/pasta. I’ve been travelling and getting edit requests at both 4:30am and 11:30pm does lead to an unstructured and reactive blogging schedule. We at the ol’ raincoaster blog hope you enjoy these little tidbits, which truly demonstrate why I will never be employed by Automattic, other than as comic relief.

  1. opinionias contains opinions and discussion on large number of contemporary and topics of current relevance , which are very useful to understand the depth of the topics.

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  2. ORLY? Looks like a completely empty blog to me. Are you making some sort of Absurdist point?

  3. one has to prepare fundamentals very strong before making a further step in preparation ,

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    one needs to understand the basics of the topics ,
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Be sure and click on that last link.

And our second example:

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  2. Spelling also helps.

  3. Grammar too. Grammar is good.

  4. Sobriety can also be of assistance, although I’ve never found it particularly relevant to my career choice of internet troll.

catch you on the flip side

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the flip side of this.

The flip side of the ability to wield physical beauty for political gain is…Occupy.

DSCN5495

Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, but this just isn’t his best look. It isn’t anybody’s. The only things that could make it worse are Crocs and perhaps an ostentatiously large murse.

And much as it kills me to admit it, the look hasn’t changed in twenty, count ’em, twenty years.

I was reading (and strenuously disagreeing with) Kurt Anderson’s article in Vanity Fair about how styles have not changed in the last twenty years. I was thinking “how could anyone get it so wrong?”

And then I saw this.

1992, people. 1992.

God, we’re old.