Operation Global Media Domination: the Potter Situation

TIA, babyWell, Technorati loves me, but Google has forgotten I exist. Ah well, they’re probably just getting back at me for misusing their name as a generic verb; these Internet people are such drama queens! It’s true, though: my posts don’t seem to show up on Google at all anymore, although when someone posts them to Digg the Digg post turns up okay. I also appear to be AOL’s favorite referral, which is weird. I mean, people still use AOL?

Technorati situation:

Authority: 270

Rank: 15,898

Which is pretty cool, particularly when you realize that two weeks ago I was at 17,800. That’s the kind of breakthrough I’ve been looking for for awhile. Now to get it back to 14,400, which it was for all of twelve hours before Technorati did a reorg and kicked me back to 18000..

In related news, search terms indicate unsurprisingly that you’re all about the Potter boy lately. Seriously, you can’t wait one more day? The entire top half of the Vancouver Sun yesterday was dedicated to this guy who’d found the book online…like I did about three months ago. Really, I DO need to do a better PR job for myself. Why should some other pathetic internet obsessed nerd get the cover of the paper and not me? He doesn’t even have a blog to pimp out!

But top posts is looking like this lately:

Britney Spears(?) sex tape trailer 235
Harry Potter spoiler di tutti spoiler 131
Harry Potter final paragraph 129
Daniel Radcliffe in Equus 94
Harry Potter and the treasure trail of s 48
mummified fairy remains found!!! 46
beaver shots 40
Linkie o’ the Day: Beautiful Agony 30
the Harry Potter Countdown ticker: get i 17
LolGoth #16: ai iz kleered 4 takeoff! 17

I’m sensing a trend. Also sensing that hits are headed towards a cliff, off which they will throw themselves in about 25 hours. Ah well, Britney will always put out for me…or just about anyone, so it seems.

In related news, nobody on Reddit is interested in Boris Johnson, as mine is the only story on him on the site and nobody’s voted it up. Did okay on Digg, but not Pottermania levels. Diggers, it seems, have more of a sense of humour; whodathunkit?

The benefits of encouraging newbies have manifested themselves, as blogpimping apprentice With Malice was interviewed and managed to plug the ol’ raincoaster blog repeatedly with links throughout the interview. That’s my boy! He also linked to my All Star Hooker Bust post, and why would he do such a thing? Because shrinking violet here asked him to, that’s why. He also liked my Air Sex story and video. Hey, if golf is a sport, so is air sex.

I’m trying to put together a “Virtual Birthday Present Roundup” but it’s frankly too big a project. Archie, ferinstance, posted virtually nothing but tentacles the entire week of my birthday, and every blogger in the Western Hemisphere plus a couple in the Eastern one sent me the story of the giant squid washing up in Tasmania. More on this later…because I know you’ll keep coming back for the sweet, sweet Fake Britney Porn.

Lolgoths finally came through for me, achieving continued readership and a link from this article; the neat thing here is that the Bloggersblog has something like eight different URLs, all with different authority levels, all the way up to 700. And technorati counts each one. I love the scent of SEO in the morning!

Also: snuck past the WordPress.com censors and made it into Top Blogs and Top Posts again today. They’re all partying at Wordcamp and will doubtless delete me as soon as they return.

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Harry Potter final paragraph

wave, Harry, wave. You're doomed anyway

Here it is, folks: the penultimate paragraph in the most hotly-anticipated book of all time. I stole it from Gawker, and have secreted it over the jump so as to preserve the innocence of any innocents who happen to stumble across the demented galaxy which is the ol’ raincoaster blog.

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Continue reading

welcome back, Potter

The sad tale of Harry Potter‘s pathetic adulthood of relentless, asexual underachievement. From the television series spun off from the movie based on the top-secret Eighth Harry Potter Book!!!! Oh, my life’s not worth a plugged nickel after releasing this to the public: that agent is going to kill me! Still, something about it is vaguely familiar.

stolen from Defamer
Sorry about the laugh track; it was the Seventies!

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Harry Potter and the Secret Chamber Pot of Azerbaijan

Something to do with seeing Ronnie Corbett as Hagrid, perhaps? Or maybe the fact that THIS Snape is even sexier than the real one!

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Harry Potter spoiler di tutti spoiler

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

So you want to know how the final book ends, do you?

Do all the people that the bloodthirsty Rowling has killed off suddenly un-die, join hands and sing “It’s a Small World After All” while Draco Malfoy converts to the Church of Dumbledoorianism, Buckbeak leads a squadron of precision hippogriffs in barrel rolls overhead, Gandalf shoots off fireworks in the shape of Godric Gryffindor‘s right butt-cheek, and Harry experiences multiple orgasms as he loses his virginity to your choice of Ginny Weasley/Hermione Granger/Severus Snape/Draco Malfoy/Fred and Ron Weasley.

No.

How does it actually end? Click here to find out, and don’t say I didn’t warn you!

By clicking on this link I assert that I am totally, totally okay with spoilers.
No, really. I mean it.

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