LOLitics: Mannifest Destuny

Mannifest Destuny iz mannifestin

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Now, it’s not the first time the Yanks have made a move on our land. The last time they pulled this my ancestors had to go down and loot and burn the White House to discourage this kind of thing, and as we know from recent example, the gene pool has bred true.

But this time they have gone too far.

Welcome: Portraits of America, a new seven-minute film produced by Disney, will be shown in airports and embassies to woo visitors with a sanitised take on US landmarks. There are no shots of highways clogged with cars bumper to bumper. Instead, the camera pans over the wonders of the Grand Canyon, New York’s Chrysler building and the awe-inspiring power of the Niagara Falls.

But wait a minute. What falls are these? They don’t seem to resemble the Bridal Veil Falls that stand on the US side of the border. They do, however, look distinctly like the Horseshoe Falls, the immense curtain of water shrouded in mist that is the stock image of Niagara and lies almost entirely inside Canada. The annexation of a Canadian natural wonder was spotted by the news agency Associated Press.”This is an insult,” said Paul Gromosiak, an expert on the waterfalls. “This is not the US, this is 100% Canada, shot from the Canadian side.

 

We have previously had our issues with the Guardian‘s coverage of Canada, but in this case we have little to add. Very little. Except: you don’t want to piss us off again.

That’s what Portraits of Americans are like.
This is what Portraits of Canadians are like.

via Bridlepath

Swords, baybee. We have swords. What do you have? A weak military force squandered in Iraq and a couple of dozen reserves out scouring the country side for escaped weasels. Tell them to look in Congress and the Senate.

Season of the Witch

The firecrackers have started in Chinatown and the first of the Skytrain costume parties is over. The stores are decked in a crazy clashing kaliedoscope of pumpkin orange, black, red, and green as Christmas tries to force its way through the doors before all passengers have disembarked, the passenger in question being Halloween.

Here is something to make the moments go a little faster. The moments until you can declare all the candy in your house “leftovers” and gobble those little Snickers bars as fast as your paws can peel them.

The Club Mix of Season of the Witch, by Eartha Kitt.
Fabulous visuals by Queerty (via Defamer)

Can you name them all?

Neopagan flames in the comment section, please. But be warned: I’ve actually read Margaret Murray’s The Witch Cult in Western Europe. Bring your game, people!

what this world needs is more singing, dancing contraception

If they could somehow work jazz hands into this, it would be just about perfect.


NSFW if your boss is really, really uptight about cross-sectional illustrations of gay sex, or maybe also wooden dildos

Here, via The Manolo, is the singingest, dancingest Bollywood-fabulousest subtitlediest condom commercial you’ll ever lay eyes on. They’re like the Teletubbies of the prophylactic world!

It’s remarkable that somehow the Third World got the jump on us in this regard, but here is the proof. Surely, surely, if North Americans had condom commercials featuring Paula Abdul choreography and Celine Dion vocals, maybe throwing in some Sigfried and Roy or Zac Efron for the boys, we could eliminate unintended pregnancy overnight! Up With People and the whole celibacy movement just haven’t got the showbiz pizazz to pull it off. I mean, what can you do when Blair from Fats of Life is the best you’ve got? We need to ramp up the production values if this is ever going to work…as they said in Earth Girls are Easy, Southern California has the cosmetology equivalent of Stealth technology. The same can be said for its entertainment. What’s the first step?

First, we sign Bob Evans. Then, we wait, baby. Then we wait.

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Who wore it best: Jesus, Elvis, or Axl?

We’re talking about the trademark Sacred Heart look of
The King of Kings, Jesus Christ himself.

Sacred Heart of Jesus

The question: Who wore it best?

The King?

Elvis! Sacred Heart of Elvis

or drama queen Axl Rose?

Jesus Axl Rose

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The Vegan Anthem: a challenge and war cry!

First, some motivational music. Preeeeeee-senting the Arrogant Worms performing their breakout hit (Arrogant Worm nerds: no backtalk, please) Carrot Juice is Murder. Stolen from Seismic Twitch, and cross-posted in a couple of days to TeenyManolo. Lyrics over the jump, philosophical thesis statement, below.

And now, to the debate.

I’d like to introduce as a concept the proposition that quality of life impingements can be a justification for euthanasia. Now, I’m just saying that it is widely accepted that, if one’s quality of life were to decline to a point at which one could not move freely, think clearly, or make oneself understood with the inherent dignity which is humankind’s birthright, a painless form of euthanasia is an option which the majority of people believe should be made available to one within the framework of the law.

Example: Britney Spears.

Evil Pumpkin

Furthermore, I would like to suggest that, as we exterminate zombies not so much because they are zombies but rather as a tribute to the vast gap between who they are now and the humans that they once were, so, too, we should look at the principle of falling-somewhat-short-of-humanity as it applies to other life forms, such as vegetables.

They’re vegetables.

There, I said it.

Not only are they vegetables, but they have no hope of becoming anything else within their lifetimes, free-roaming creative raw foodists who are dab hands with a smoothie notwithstanding.

Conclusion:

We should do our part. We should find the vegetables, wherever they are, and we should put them out of their suffering. We should do it now.

Animals, on the other hand, have no difficulty moving around and comporting themselves with greater elan than your typical celebutard. Like the inspirational blogger BeastFeaster, sworn to consume 52 species of the Animal Kingdom in 52 weeks, I’m switching to a renewable flesh-based diet. Perhaps I shall consume only limbs amputated on the field of battle, as a kind of recycling initiative.

Meat: the responsible choice. the moral choice. the only choice.

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