The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre/Roundup

Did you have a good Valentine’s Day? Was it filled with the company of one who adores you, flowers, choccies, and expensive baubles in tiny velvet boxes? Yes?

Well, fuck you.

Ah, Valentine’s Day: that time of the year when smug couples magically up their smugness by a factor of twenty but somehow, appallingly, you are still not allowed to garrote them with the tawdry pink ribbons from their bouquets. The world is not yet just, as Immanuel Kant could have told us. HE wouldn’t have lorded it over singletons; HE surely wouldn’t have ragged on Jesus for being dateless every damn February 14th.

Which brings me to my point: me. Well, I certainly can’t complain about the company I had for Valentine’s Day (me) and unlike most of those couples, I was never for a moment in any uncertainty whatsoever about whether or not I was getting laid that night.

Which reminds me of the time I was at the drugstore buying, get this, Virgin Springs mineral water, and I realized it was Valentine’s Day.

But that was so long ago now…three years goes by in a heartbeat.

In any case, because Valentine’s Day posts are mega hit bringers in this day and age where you may not care enough to send the very best, but you care just enough to send an e-card, here is a roundup of the very very bestest commemorative Valentine’s Day thingies I saw on the internet yesterday.

Read ’em and weep.


A ten tentacle salute to love!

A ten tentacle salute to love!

Because the thing about stock Valentine’s Day cards is: not enough tentacles. Hat tip to MistressCowfish

I DID get a Valentine of sorts in the comments on Gawker:

TWO headlines and one picture (headline chopped off) is all the new format allows me to see in the sidebar. TWO headlines. How the fuck is anyone supposed to read Gawker that way??? Don’t you know how many people you lose with every forced click??? You lose eighty percent.

Jesus Christ, when even raincoaster is driven to a) comment elsewhere b) refer to herself in the third person, you know you’ve alienated people.

I still like the look of it. I just cannot use it. BRING BACK THE ENDLESS SCROLL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Wow, nice to see a familiar face (since there are fewer and fewer here). Have you realized that Denton, based on his published remarks and leaks, is actually trying to reduce comments?

Five days in, and the absence of most of the critical social intranetworking tools (hearting, messaging, and comment notification) speaks volumes.

This post (“Welcome to the New Gawker”) has been removed from the front page of this new newspaper. And I hear the death rattle of the former, enjoyable brouhaha that we knew as commenting.

I can’t comment at all now. Doubt this will go through. Every time I try to go to I get redirected to and FUCK THAT WITH A CHAINSAW.

I love the clean look. I just cannot use this shit. Also, I appear to be banned again, as all my comments get “Post failed” notifications. Reducing comments? If he’d banned me last year, he would have cut back on them 50%~!

You don’t appear to have be banned. In fact, your screen name in your reply to which I am replying still bears your star. I think that the coding problems are still around and might account for your difficulty with posting a comment.

I know we weren’t especially close, but it seems like only yesterday we were connecting effortlessly every month or so. I recall a story about your meeting William Gibson, I think, but it would be so difficult now to go back through the comments and find it. It’s so odd to have lost so many connections so quickly.

I still come back here from time to time, I think because Gawker played a big part in my life for a while. I haven’t read any articles because it’s such a different approach visually and maybe editorially. If I want serious content, I am going to go to a major newspaper site like or unplug and read something pressed onto paper.

PS Gawker has really gotten you worked up–I’ve never seen you scream in caps before. You’re gorgeous when you’re angry.

I’m going to count this as a Valentine whether you like it or not.

If I had known this was a date, I would have washed off the trail dust and brushed my hair with a frying pan. Maybe you’re earthy, though, and okay with it all.

Here, love, I took my Bowie knife and carved a slice of Logan bread into the shape of a heart just for you.

Awwww. Are we sure this isn’t Gawker Dating?


Welcome to the Satellite of Love
Welcome to the Satellite of Love

Geek Valentine’s cards! A whole gallery of Time Lordian and Han-shot-firstian goodness.

A little love song from Tom Lehrer: I Hold Your Hand in Mine, Love:

via HellSquidInternational

Valentines for those who have stopped pretending, from MyConfinedSpace:

The confined space is between my ears

The confined space is between my ears

Valentines for Hopeless Realists (I’d actually send these)


I am ALL OVER the baseball one

I am ALL OVER the baseball one

The social media fallout of an iconic romantic moment: This chick is SO not getting a backstage pass.


I never would have gone out with that mope in the first place

I never would have gone out with that mope in the first place

Sissydude Valentines! I think this brand has a lot of potential.


Isn't that cute, he sent his valentine to a pony. I think???

Isn't that cute, he sent his valentine to a pony. I think???

A Valentine from Godzilla:


Does anything say Post-Modern Japan like Haiku and Godzilla?

Does anything say Love In Post-Modern Japan like Haiku and Godzilla?

When you think of passionate romantic attachment, who do you think of? That’s right:

Noam Chomsky.


Alone Noam Moar!

Alone Noam Moar!

Something for cat ladies:


and your Morrissey albums. There's that too.

and your Morrissey albums. There's that too.

The New York City department of Health just launched an iPhone app that shows you where you can get free condoms:


Now THAT is servicey!

Now THAT is servicey!

This Valentine is…touching.


From your lips to ... never mind, don't think about that part

The Human Centipede Valentine: From your lips to ... never mind, don't think about that part

For the bookish, there are NPR Valentines:

This Valentine was brought to you by National Public Radio, and by listeners like you

This Valentine was brought to you by National Public Radio, and by listeners like you

The New Yorker brings you a selection of dirty pictures with intellectual pretensions, so it’s okay to look if it’s by Ellen Unwerth, etc. Here’s Nan Goldin’s image, perfect for the one who plays Nancy Spungen to your Sid Vicious.


Be My ... collateral damage

Be My ... collateral damage

A roundup of the most uncomfortable screen kisses of all time (and yeah, they even got Howard the Duck in there):

Ben Kling does nifty series of dictator valentines, including the least flexible dictator ever, HAL:




via NegevRockCity

The linear-thinking National Post presents a flow chart of how to buy flowers for Valentine’s Day:


If you need this, you shouldn't be having sex in the first place. You might reproduce

If you need this, you shouldn't be having sex in the first place. You might reproduce

Salon brings us Valentine Candy Hearts of the Stars.


Or it would have been, if he had exact change

Or it would have been, if he had exact change

Here’s to Valentine’s Day!


Bottom's Up!

Bottom's Up!

If all of this has you bummed out and feeling hopeless, HAVE I GOT AN OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU!!!

If you’ve read this far in a Valentine’s Day post posted the day AFTER Valentine’s Day, I know one thing: You, my friend, have a deep and abiding interest in romantic pursuits, or at least cheap sex. Wouldn’t you like to support a cause that combines them both, plus patriotism? Sure you would.

What’s this about? Take a heart and turn it upside down, and that’ll give you a clue:

That's right, BEAVER!!!

That's right, BEAVER!!!


I heard on Vancouver is Awesome‘s 100.5 The Peak segment this weekend that a campaign is underway to save Beaver Lake that would see an investment of $100,000 for dredging and restoration by the Vancouver Park Board. Without these efforts, the Stanley Park Ecology Society says the lake could dry up within the next decade or two.

Come on, people. We KNOW you love the beaver!

Existential Crisis Gossip Links

what is wrong with me? Nothing. It's YOU!

what is wrong with me? Nothing. It's YOU!

Well, because they’re all so fucking inferior, sillies! God put the Feebs here to be our rightful prey, and don’t you forget it!

Every man needs slaves like he needs clean air. To rule is to breathe, is it not? And even the most disenfranchised get to breathe. The lowest on the social scale have their spouses or their children. Real nobility is based on scorn, courage, and profound indifference. Albert Camus

I’m pretty sure it was Camus who said that it was the moral duty of the intelligent to repress the less intelligent, lest they rise up and take over the world; but the world ignored him, and now we have Snooki as a New York Times best-selling author and Kim Kardashian recording an album. America gets the celebrities it deserves.

Julian Assange’s new do (raincoaster) Shut UP, Emma Watson (Lolebrity) Guess the gap-toothed guy (Ayyyy) Our WORLD EXCLUSIVE lasted exactly one day (ManoloFood) Stayin’ Alive? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (AgentBedhead) The baby’s first word was “rhinoplasty” (BusyBeeBlogger) Jimmy Buffetted! (CelebDirtyLaundry) Have YOU ever been upstaged by your own dress? (CelebritySmack) Paris Hilton shows you her puppies (CityRag) But which one is MegaShark and which is Gatoroid? (DailyStab) Never before has spandex restrained so much for so little purpose (FitFabCeleb) Gag (GirlsTalkinSmack) So she was single in the sense that nobody would be seen with her? (HaveUHeard) Jon Cryer is no different from anybody else (INeedMyFix) Sad, gender-confused Britney (PoorBritney) The CougarTown drinking game! (SeriouslyOMG)

And now, here’s your thematically-appropriate musical unicorn chaser, performed by everyone’s favorite lower primates, the Monkees:

Enhanced by Zemanta
Snow is TOO beautiful. But gross.

Snow is TOO beautiful. But gross.

Hump Day Unicorn Chaser: Chairdancing Edition


chair dancing with the has-beens: SURE to be a hit



Ladies and Gentlemen, the fine, and near-forgotten, art of Chair Dancing, is sadly overlooked in the realm of vicarious pleasures deemed suitable for reality television. Crocheting with the Has-Beens? Sure. Chair Dancing with the Hotties from the Office Upstairs That You’re Not Sure What They Do But It Must Be Software, They’re All So Young? Not a chance.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a damn shame. Because, in an Orwellian world, chairdancing is freedom. They can take away our Aeron Chairs and replace them with crappy stationary ripoffs from Ikea, but they cannot take away our ability to bop mindlessly to Backstreet Boys while remaining seated. Because this, ladies and gentlemen, yes this is chairdancing in the Twenty-First Century Anno Domini:

It’s come so far! Remember the video that started the craze, way back in the last century2004?


Flamewar of the Day: Gawkers

Rear Window: no parking in rear

No parking in rear

This actually happened last week, which is right and natural when you consider what a shitstorm last week was: when ELSE would it have happened, right? Instead of our usual fun flamewars, toying with the early drinkers and short bus riders of the blogosphere, this one went a little bit sideways and turned into something akin to watching hara kiri right there in the comments section on Gawker. What people are willing to do in front of strangers, and blame upon those strangers, never ceases to fascinate me.

There’s no question I was guilty, but what of exactly what, nobody is quite sure, except for the victim, who is quite sure of many things despite being quite wrong.

What is pretty much certain is that some grownups still have to learn that lesson about when to keep your mouth shut, the one most of us learned around the time we first encountered those savvy genii of the interwebs, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer, not to mention Socrates, who came later (what with him being an old man and all).

Judge for yourselves, as always. This is from the comments section of a Gawker post about a “Spiderman” who freeclimbed a 58-story building with suction cups and was arrested for trespassing once he got to the top.

If residents gave him water en route, he can persuasively claim to have been a guest who was there with their permission.

@raincoaster: How about the floors in which nobody gave him water? If I invite you to my apartment does that mean you get to visit all my neighbors? How about reckless endangerment of parked Dodges? How about his impending Darwin award nomination? Questions, questions for the jury..

Seriously, this will be only a misdemeanor, no? 

raincoaster promoted this comment

@lethedrinker: Presumably even if you don’t invite him in, if your neighbors are okay with him walking by, he’s allowed to walk past your door via the hallway. He didn’t invade the apartments.

@raincoaster: Well, he climbed past their windows without their permission. I’d consider that an invasion of privacy.

This happened to me a few months ago. I live in a high rise condo looking directly at a bay, so privacy is not usually a concern. It’s a 1BR with a window in the BR; the LR has floor-to-ceiling doors to the balcony.

I got a notice saying that the window washing crew would be there on a certain date, and that they did not clean the windows in the LR, so I shut the blinds to the bedroom and thought I was all set.

Imagine my surprise when I was seated in the LR wearing only panties, and the crew appeared in my LR window to clean the glass balcony! I gently sank lower in the chair and raised my kindle to try and hide the tits. Not that they are anything to look at, I just prefer that people don’t.

They took 30 minutes to clean the damn balcony, and I couldn’t move in all that time.

So, with respect, your defense fails.

raincoaster promoted this comment

@Registered: Isn’t there some merit to the argumenet that by keeping the blinds up or door open, one implicity lowers the threshold for reasonable expectation of privacy. According to my lawyer friend, cops often use this excuse (made up or otherwise) to get around fourth amendment restrictions – not directly relevant to the privacy argument..

@lethedrinker: I don’t know about open front doors – they’re against the fire code here, must close automatically – but if I live in, say, a 26th floor condo that faces directly onto the ocean (or bay, in my case; you’d need the Hubble telescope to look in unless you are on a scaffold cleaning the windows ) then I would say the police lose their case.

Also, are you suggesting that people should live in caves with the blinds shut and the doors closed, or else lose any right to privacy? Bushish. 

raincoaster promoted this comment

@Registered: I said reduced not lose any or all. Bushish? I bet such dubious arguments existed long before either Bush and will continue to be used till 2084.

Anyway, it was a generic comment not specific to the 26th floor dwelling, bay watching, automatic door closing kindle readers.

@Registered: If you got a notice that the window washing crew would be there washing your windows on a certain date and you’re sitting in your apartment topless in your panties, SOMETHING ain’t an accident. And it ain’t invasion of privacy, either.

Flamewars of the Anklebiters!

You think Chihuahuas are vicious? You think they’re yappy? You think they’re neurotic? You haven’t met their owners.

Our latest flamewar comes to us from Gawker, where it grew from a post about the nutbag hoarder who dropped off 43 of the little fanged mutants at the Victoria SPCA.

m4ximusprim3 08/10/10

See, here’s where I think deportation is a great idea. I would round up every fucking rat dog in san diego and demand to see their papers. Those without valid visas would be put in a dump truck and poured off a bridge 1′ south of the midline of the rio grande. Any that swam north would be shot for trying to re-immigrate.

I love dogs, but hate rats. And I’ve never yet seen any evidence that Chiuahuas belong in the former category. Reply

@m4ximusprim3: You don’t love dogs. Reply

m4ximusprim3 promoted this comment

@Rosewater: I love real dogs! dogs that obey commands and don’t shiver uncontrollably in 100 degree heat. If you can accidentally step on it, it’s not a dog. Reply

@m4ximusprim3: If you want to come off as tactless and juvenile there are 3 things to make fun of: a person’s name; their accent; their dog. I’m sure you’re a rugged, woodsy outdoor type with a pair of all-American retrievers you hunt with regularly. We’re not all so manly, or have something to compensate for, so please try to be more understanding. Also, the last I knew, they allow chihuahuas at Westminster, and I’d say the AKC is a better arbiter of what is and isn’t a dog than you. Reply

m4ximusprim3 promoted this comment

@bunzah_steele: Taxonomy and practicality are separate issues. Tomatoes and squashes are technically fruits, but you won’t find them in any fruit salads. Chihuahuas are technically dogs, but they don’t perform any of the activities normally associated with dogs, besides possibly barking.

I’m not saying you can’t love them, I’m saying they’re closer to trembly mole creatures than any practical definition of a dog. And if I had my way, they’d get cleared the hell out of san diego, where they’re ubiquitous as purse dogs and generally quite annoying. Reply

@bunzah_steele: And I’m against hunting on principle. If you want to take down a deer, you should have to fight it with a knife so the deer has a chance. Reply

@m4ximusprim3: The purpose of chihuahuas is to be companion animals – particularly in the city, a task at which they excel. In that respect I’d say they are eminently practical. It’s not like they’re some breed developed 400 years ago in Scotland to hunt something now extinct that people continue breeding so they can parade it around to enhance their self image. How many people own mastiffs or sheepdogs that live the same life as any pampered sissy chihuahua? Incidentally, I’ve only been mocked with the tired “rat” putdown twice while walking my dogs, but this is New York and there are plenty of small dogs here because it makes sense to have a small dog in a small apartment. If San Diego is so terribly overrun, maybe YOU should get the hell out. Something to consider. Reply

@m4ximusprim3: You want to know something that will probably make you go batshit crazy and have a fit in which you writhe around, froth at the mouth and bite the furniture? Yes? Well, many many small dogs are actually bred in Mexico and smuggled over the border and sold either on the street or in so-called “pet shops”. Happy now? Reply

@m4ximusprim3: I’m a dog handler, and work with a number of different breeds of dogs. And chihuahuas are definitely dogs. I’ve seen them swim, hunt (butterflies), wrestle, play fetch, and do tricks. Like many small dogs they crave human companionship and attention somewhat more than large dogs. They are not particularly like rats, which my tiny poodle enjoys killing. Reply

@m4ximusprim3: hey if I had MY was San Diego would get cleared out of Cali. Good thing we don’t always get what we want! Reply

@m4ximusprim3: Max, you know what, if you got a little dog to take care of, say someone you know and like asked you to take care of their tiny dog just for a week, a weird thing would happen, you’d start to like this dog and find out the endearing qualities, and you’d see small dogs in a whole new way, and the reason I can tell this is because you defended bambi so you have a soft heart after all. Hahaha. Reply

@krismry: Between you and me, the funny thing is that my post started out as a halfhearted troll. I don’t like the little monsters much, but I certainly don’t hate them. Bunzah just got so vehement so quickly that I had to try to keep it going :) Reply

@m4ximusprim3: I never used the term “fucking,” advocated killing or used right wing anti-immigrant language in anything I wrote right out of the gate. So I think you win the vehemence award (a sash of rotting sardines). Your post was nasty, offensive and not funny. Practically everything mean you wrote was before I posted a word. So don’t blame it on me. OK, troll fed. Good night! Reply

@m4ximusprim3: They’re doing more or less the same thing with humans.

But Chihuahua people are “fragile,” so behold the hate you get for saying this.

Chihuahuas are horrible, virtually untrainable, dumb knicknacks with teeth and bad tempers. They are pets for people who don’t actually like, you know, PETS. Reply

@m4ximusprim3: “Trembly mole creature.” Exactly! Reply

@raincoaster: I think you’ve gotten to the heart of the issue- it’s really the Chihuahua people I hate, not their hairless, yapping charges.

Also, how on earth have I not hearted you before? We agree on virtually everything.

Rectified! Reply

@m4ximusprim3: Sorry, but I have to comment.
I have a 2 year old long-haired chihuahua named Charlie. Not only does he barely ever bark, he is a loyal, fun, clean DOG. I go on 15km runs all the time and he always keeps up. He’s not some little purse dog who yaps at everyone.
So to generalize like that is very insulting. Reply

@raincoaster: Love at last! At least something good came of this. Reply

raincoaster promoted this comment

@bunzah_steele: It’s great that you’re not defensive and high-strung. Because that would only reinforce what I’d said. Reply

@raincoaster: And it’s refreshing that you’re not brutal, nasty, contemptuous and thin-skinned. Anybody can see from your posts in this thread that your humor is a marvel of droll subtlety. Reply

@mcstabby: I apologize wholeheartedly to Charlie for lumping him in with the rest of his hairless mole cousins. I’m sure he’s a wonderful little bag of joy who brings great happiness to all who know him.

That being said, he looks like a cat. Sorry. Reply

@m4ximusprim3: wow, I have no idea what kind of cats you see. Reply

@bunzah_steele: What, you didn’t know all of that already? Don’t you have teh googlez where you live? Reply

@raincoaster: Oh right. You’re FAMOUS. I have to read your book. Reply

@raincoaster: Oh, and drowning in cash, by the looks of your site. Reply

@raincoaster: I swear I hit the damn pencil 24 times in 2 browsers and everything I could think of to cancel that mean one. I’m really sorry. Reply

@bunzah_steele: No worries. If I couldn’t take a hit now and again I’d get off the internet.

Besides, if I’m famous for anything, it’s my impecuniousness! Reply

@raincoaster: Seriously, that video was the perfect humorous kiss-off and I hail your wit and timing. Reply

@bunzah_steele: Thanks. See? What did I say? GROUP HUG! Reply

@bunzah_steele: I assume you know about this site:


The Tomb of the Chihuahua Pharaohs Reply

@raincoaster: Yes, a friend sent it to me long ago. It’s pretty normal compared The Chihuahua Kingdom, which no longer exists. That was a site run by a husband & wife who had like 20 dogs living in individual plush cuevas, arranged like a subdivision. While they came off as very knowledgeable and responsible dog owners, the site was set up around a medieval castle theme, with sections like the Court of Learning and a Bridge of Remembrance. They had pretty good dog-rearing info nonetheless and this was back when I had my first chi. Then one day there was a message to the effect of “My wife, having assumed the identity of Steve on the site, has assumed it in real life. We are seeking immediate counseling and will be back when she is normal.” Which apparently never happened. So you’re right, chihuahua owners can be a fragile bunch, something I demonstrated myself. I’m still thoroughly abashed at my own ankle-biting with you, I guess it’s true that dog owners eventually start behaving like their pets! Of course, I’m all yours if you let me lick the paté knife. Reply

@bunzah_steele: Oh my. That’s a wonderful story: I live for that sort of thing.

I had a border collie. Not sure what that says about me, except that I couldn’t take her near the playground because she would bite at the ankles of the kids in an attempt to herd them up the slide.

No worries. Getting into these kinds of spats is more or less what the comments section here is FOR, and nobody as equal-opportunity offensive as me goes long without getting up somebody’s nostrils.