Look, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, MP, (Eton, Oxon) Of That Ilk and Running As Such is just never going to win the hearts and minds, much less the votes, of the fish and chips crowd. You know it, I know it, he hasn’t a bloody clue, which is where competent staff comes in.

While it appears increasingly likely that BoJo is going to declare his candidacy for Mayor of London (perhaps entranced, as are we all, by visions of blond, fluffy clouds of fur floating over black velvet robes) realistically he will have to work his uppers to the crust if he wants to rule the rank and file. His opponent is Ken Livingstone, a charismatic and iron-willed lefty in the Trudeau Fuck You vein known as Red Ken.

In fairness, it must be said that about the only person in the UK who’s offended more people than Boris is Red Ken himself. So if nothing else, this campaign will be on 24-hour gaffe alert on both sides.

Still, Boris can’t afford to coast on looks, charm, and the implicit opportunity of below-stairs patronage appointments at the Spectator. Or the Times.

Boris needs to reach out to Londonistan. He has to become The Man of the People, even if he only encounters those people in the form of a studio audience. We here at the ol’ raincoaster blog have long studied the phenomenon that is Bojo, and we, being somewhat leftist ourself(s?), feel that we can come up with a statement providing a new direction, a new vision, even a new Boris Johnson.

Behold:

Al Kemal* is the People’s Choice for Mayor of London

From his humble beginnings as a Turko**-American*** immigrant from a broken home, Al’s life has been a series of struggles, a succession of successes. He is an inspiration to the entire Islamic community, and a leader for our globalized times.

Born in an American Stalinist medical facility**** to foreign parents, he spent his early years nomadically, drifting from country to country***** as his feckless father moved the family in search of lasting employment******. When Al eventually landed in the UK as a child of 11*******he had no more than the proverbial tenner in his pocket*******. An innovative and extraordinarily inclusive admissions program at one local school allowed young Al the kinds of educational advantages normally only enjoyed by native Britons of elevated standing, despite differences in background, ethnicity, and even religion.*********

Al made the most of those opportunities, eventually securing a place at Balliol, living out the dreams Thomas Hardy had written for him more than a hundred years before.********** While there, he became instrumental in the operation of the British-Arab University Association, and rose through sheer grim slogging to be the first Turko-American member of the Bullingdon Club. Additionally, he was the favoured candidate of the Social Democratic Party, clearly demonstrating his centrist, mainstream, populist leanings at an early age.***********

Al was active in social outreach programs, making friends among even the criminal classes.************

Although Al appeared to have overcome his past as the child of a broken home, the pattern reasserted itself. Married too young, Al put his first marriage behind him and eventually settled down with (and subsequently married) a nice Englishwoman from the showbusiness class, with whom he has had four children.*************

Al’s early forays into politics were humbling, to say the least.*************** Nonetheless, he came back to have a moderately successful career as a television presenter and in local politics, as well as gaining notoriety on the sports field*****************.

No stranger to disadvantage, exclusion and setbacks, Al Kemal is truly Everyman for the new London of the Twenty-First Century.

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*Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson’s original family name was Kemal. His family calls him Al.

** Kemal is Turkish…his great-grandfather was Ali Kemal, an ill-fated Turkish journalist who became a government official and came to a sticky end. Obviously learning from the past is not a family trait. Ali Kemal was not, it should be noted, Catholic. Yay, Islamic outreach!

*** Boris Al was born in Manhattan.

**** In some godforsaken Yankee hospital: they’re all bloody HMOs nowadays. Poor bugger’s lucky he’s still alive.

***** Seriously, are we sure they aren’t Rom? First the UK, then a move to the States, then Belgium (Belgium, for chrissakes…how bloody desperate do you have to be to look for work in Belgium?), then the UK again. Can’t these people settle down and commit to one country? Is that too much to ask? Bloody gypsies!

****** See above. Two footnotes looked more impressive, and nobody reads this shit anyway.

******* To attend Eton. Must have been an equal-opportunity initiative or some kind of ethnic scholarship. Good work, Al!

******** I am estimating this, based on the fact that most young Etonians don’t keep cash in their pockets. They keep it in their manservant’s pockets.

********* He’s Catholic. I know, doesn’t look it eh? So that’s the Catholic vote sewn up.

********** Thomas Hardy is so going to fucking kill me for this.

*********** No proof exists that he actually ran for the SDP, but on the other hand no proof exists that he didn’t, either.

************ Darius Guppy, who also attempted unsuccessfully to involve Al in criminal activities. That’s our Al, never afraid to do social outreach.

************* Marina Wheeler, a lawyer. Handy, when you’ve got Al’s friends.

*************** Wales so totally kicked his ass.

**************** YouTube

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