Michael Jackson, polarizing cultural icon, musician, actor, dancer, and child molester, has been dead exactly one year. Despite the worldwide health-focused publicity at the time of the tragic event, some people are only now waking up to “Michael Jacksonism” and realizing what critical health issues they should have addressed long ago.
Like condoms for kindergarteners.
It’s been quite some time since we had any decent Kirk/Spock sexual innuendo around these parts. That’s a terrible cultural drought, one which is about to get washed away in a warm bath of cheese. Ladies and gentlemen, and those readers of this blog who know you are neither and are reconciled to the fact, we present Captain James Tiberius Kirk and First Officer and Science Officer Spock in “You Spin Me Round“:
Appalling, yet undeniable. Even Mighty Cthulhu, devourer of souls, ravenous feaster of darkness who thrives on terror and the shrieks of the innocent, has fallen this low. I mean, crabs had to come from somewhere, amirite?
First, Cthulhu goatse photos leaked to the internet. Now, a blurry, night-vision sex tape. I ask: Can a reality show be far behind?
Those aren’t snakes, boyo.
Yeah, honey, don’t even THINK about going to the Labour Board with this. IF YOU VALUE YOUR SANITY!!!
Bonus: here’s a cute little tune, Hey There Cthulhu, which is a handy-dandy pronunciation guide to all the Cthulhu Mythos’ most baffling terms, in an attractive, neo-folksy package.
HEY THERE CTHULHU
(Lyrics from the Evilbore forum, but [ahem] spelling corrected; what? are you afraid of summoning Him?)
lyrics copyright © 2008 by Eben Brooks and Allison Lonsdale
Hey there Cthulhu down there in your sunken city
You’re a billion light-years distant and the stars look very pretty
From R’lyeh
So close and yet so far away. Ia Iay.
Cthulhu fuh-TAH-gun, or is that Cthulhu fuh-TINE?
I can never quite remember ’cause I’m not in my right minds
Since I met you
No one corrupts the way you do. You know it’s true
(Chorus)
Oh, it’s what you’ll do to me
Oh, and all humanity
Oh, you’ll rise up from the sea
Oh, kill everyone slowly
Except the one’s like me
Hey there Cthulhu, I’ve been studying your gospel
The Necronomicon, it gives me nightmares something awful
Where I see
The death of all reality. It fills me with glee
So when the stars are right, you’ll come and do your worst
But that’s okay because I know you’ll eat the cultists like me first
When you get here
I know that day is drawing near. I have no fear
(Chorus)
A billion light-years seems so far
Below the sea, beyond the stars
Of these humans’ putrid souls you’ll drink your fill
The fools will all make fun of me
But I’ll just laugh maniacally
‘Cause no one’s ever suffered like they will
Chthulhu, I can promise you
That by the time this cult gets through
The world will never ever be the same!
Praise your dark name!
Phn’glui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wagn’nagl fhtagn
Boy, that’s really quite a mouthful, can’t quite cram it in my noggin
Not today
I try to say it anyway
I feel my soul being to fray
Still I await that frabjous day
Cthulhu calay!
(Chorus)
Oh, kill everyone but me
Everyone but me
Longtime Northern Voicer here (That’s the Northern Voice blogging conference, May 7-8 in Vancouver) ; I’ve attended the conference every year but one, and this year I’ve busted into the dizzy heights of the presenter’s list, which certainly puts me in the upper 50% of attendees. Yes, when it comes to Northern Voice, me luv it longtime.
But…
Is it just me, or does this thing:
The official Northern Voice mascot
Look like this thing:
Pedobear, the one and only!
Now, Kris said something about having some sexblogging workshops this year. I’m just not sure this is the very best way to draw an interested crowd.
On WHERE, goddammit? And how do I get him off?
Oh wai- NEVER MIND!!! I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!!!!
Ooooh, this is ugly.
You’ve read the revolting rumours about the Sandra Bullock sex tape, featuring America’s Sweetheart and that low-life, unworthy scumbag who crawled into her bed while she was drunk or something.
Unspeakable. Disgusting.
And, of course, now presented for your enjoyment by the ol’ raincoaster blog. Watch it while you still can:
Oh my, she IS nasty, isn’t she? “While You Were Sleeping…On My Face” is a helluva title!
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raincoaster 