Those goddamn “morale-boosting” job reviews. Like this one: (Oh, definitely, definitely NSFW unless you work someplace just as bad already)
This post sponsored by my sense of outrage at one woman’s request to dumb down the internet for the sake of her nine-year-old, who certainly knows those words already and probably wouldn’t be shocked by the news that Mommy doesn’t control the whole world, although Mommy might.
Also: not the first time we’ve dealt with this.
It’s a bad sign when you need a Unicorn Chaser for the week and it’s only dawn on Wednesday. At least this is a good one: the world-famous OH MY GOD DOUBLE RAINBOW video, autotuned into perhaps the greatest piece of music since Yanni retired.
If you would like to do your part to cheer me up, you can either send booze or drop a comment on my Mummified Fairy post: it needs fewer than 90 to get to an even 2000 comments! I’m somewhat cheered up to note that I outrank BoingBoing and Snopes on searches for “Mummified fairy,” but it can’t hurt to add a comment anyway, I might backslide at any moment!
I can’t say I didn’t know what I was getting into. I was getting into something like a cross between a rabid wolverine in a disco and the battle of Ypres. That I got out alive surprises everyone, including the Michael Jackson fan who repeatedly threatened me with a visitation from the undead Zombie Michael Jackson. Why?
Yes, he made some terrific songs. He could dance up a storm. He was a fantastic entertainer, one of the greatest. And overcame a background of terrible abuse to become his own man and direct his own course.
But the truth is, he gave children as young as eight or nine alcohol without their knowledge, slept with little boys, and bought off or threatened the parents into silence. Something about this makes me uncomfortable describing his death as a loss.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that in the universe of fandom there are no fans as wacko as Jacko’s (which reminds me of Guido’s brilliant headline announcing the death: Wacko Jacko Heart Attacko) not even Apple fanboys or Twihards. So it wasn’t unexpected.
But it was ugly.
First of all, I’d like to thank the over 100 people who hate my guts and yet posted my article to their Facebook walls. You will always have the enduring gratitude of Operation Global Media Domination. And to the 27 or so who tweeted the link, again, you have my sincere appreciation. Plus the 30 or so new Twitter followers that resulted.
This is sort of what Obi Wan meant when he said “If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine,” which is particularly appropriate in this case, as I rather doubt any of them have much imagination. And the 34 commenters; you have a special place in my heart. Where I can keep an eye on you.
And then there’s what it looked like on Twitter. I suggest you click on the link and read from the bottom up, as that’s the time-line:
Michael Jackson, polarizing cultural icon, musician, actor, dancer, and child molester, has been dead exactly one year. Despite the worldwide health-focused publicity at the time of the tragic event, some people are only now waking up to “Michael Jacksonism” and realizing what critical health issues they should have addressed long ago.
Like condoms for kindergarteners.
I forget who said that, and am far too lazy to google it, but s/he could well have been talking to the victim of this particular food blogger. Allow me to present (yes, our third YouTube in a row, but it’s too good to pass up) the trailer for Bitter Feast, the tale of one chef’s revenge on a whorish, mean-spirited, lowest-common-denominator pandering food blogger:
via ManoloFood, which says:
The film centers around celebrity chef Peter Gray whose career is ostensibly ruined by a scathing review on the ficticious food blog “Gastropunks.” When Chef Gray is fired (by none other than Mario Batali in a cameo as a restaurant owner improbably named Gordon), he exacts revenge, taking the blogger hostage and torturing him in a series of Food Network worthy extreme cooking challenges. If the blogger can cook a perfect over easy egg, he can eat it; if not he’s got egg on his face — literally and delivered by way of a sizzling frying pan to the noggin.
Which is (bear with me here) funny. Before you run off screaming and accusing me of being all coldblooded Eating Raul
Can you IMAGINE what things would be like if there were, say, an island of truly snarky, untamed bloggers roaming free? It’d be like…Manhattan!
I couldn’t find any “what kind of food critic are you” quizzes, but I did find a Personality Disorder test, a What Nut Are You quiz (you MUST be one, if you’re a blogger, right?), What Herb Are You (I’d rather be Kiki!), and What Taste Are You (you’ll have to ask my ex). So, enjoy?
You Are a Pistachio |
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You’re very different than anyone you know. There’s no way you’re changing the way you are… Which is good, because no one wants you to change. |
You Are Cinnamon |
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You are passionate to the point of being overpowering. People can’t ignore your presence. You are always questioning and learning in your life. You’re on a bit of a spiritual journey. You are drawn toward power and success. You are never quite satisfied with your achievements. |
You Are Bitter |
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Instead, you are sophisticated and cultured. You appreciate acquired tastes. You are very powerful. You have the ability to change a room’s energy. While some may find you disagreeable, your points of view are intelligent and interesting. |
raincoaster 