Cross-posted from the Shebeen Club.
Got this off Defamer. Yes, I can see Alan Ginsberg updating Howl just for the occasion. Lindsay Lohan is at least as consistently wasted as William S. Burroughs, although she is better-looking than he ever was and has not yet resorted to dealing. Clock ticking on that one, though.
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“and she’s what? Thirty? And she’s a total has-been…” said the comfortably-upholstered blonde not that far from thirty herself, to her expensively-if-more-selectively-padded circle of friends. Once you get implants, you pretty much have to shop at Bebe because nothing else fits.
“Yes, she is. Yes, she is,” agreed the brunette chorus. “But she really used to have the body.”
“I know,” said one. “But who’d have thought it would be him who’d turn out to be the smart one? The stable one? The better one?”
“She’s so overweight now. She’ just…have you seen her? She’s trying for a comeback, but she’s just…over. She can’t do work. It’s sad, really. Ever since the baby…He’s got it together, he really does. What a shock.”
And I’m sitting there, staring into my Martini and occasionally pretending to read my book, but the fact is that trying to figure out who they’re talking about is far more compelling than reading about Michel Mauvais, his accurst offspring Charles Le Sorcier, and their various intrigues in the deserted and time-haunted Castle of No Name.
And I’m thinking Affleck? Nah! Because the fact is that not only can it not be said that Jennifer Garner has let herself go, but it must be said that Ben has had it going on for quite some time and being visibly relatively together shouldn’t be cause for shock among a table of pub-going strangers, even after Gigli, or so ya’d think.
But the blonde is going on…
It appears, it doth, that her boyfriend/husband/whatever works in the film business, and this star, whoever she is or once was (it’s the movies that got small!) was up here filming something, and that, while she was filming this movie for which she was paid several million dollars, some jewelry went missing from her wardrobe. Oh, not diamonds, says the blonde, nothing like that. Only about four thousand dollar’s worth. But gone it was, and not merely misplaced, but stolen. And found in the star’s possession.
And at this point I rule that nice Jennifer Garner out entirely.
“Yeah,” says a brunette. “Who’d have thought the one with his shit together would turn out to be K.Fed.”
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Ah, I love the internets. Getting big online is like starting a religious cult: if something doesn’t exist in the real world, just make it up. Once enough people believe in your premise, Bob‘s your uncle.
Before eBay, did anybody think Six Million Dollar Man crap was really worth THAT much? Suppose I can’t be too smug, though: I actually HAD that t-shirt. And no, I didn’t get it at the time.
As I write this, I am pimping out my Second Life avatar in preparation for leading online blogging classes. So we’re all about the meta, the virtual, and the zeta today.
For an example of the kind of ephemeral (and temporary {hello Mahir! I kiss you!}) career which the intertubes have brought down the i-chute, may I present Bandicar, the Lightsaber Sensei.
With no fewer than 26 different saber spinning styles, each with its own YouTube video, a presumably economically-rewarding relationship with the manufacturer of regulation lightsabers, and a DVD release last year, Banditcar here has clearly maximized the metaverse’s potential for self-promotion.
Hmm, are lightsabers futuristic or retro?
I have to ask these things.
Whether he’d truly be any good in a real lightsaber fight is a question which is the quintessence of irrelevance, given that there is actually no such thing as a lightsaber and thus, no such thing as a real lightsaber fight. So, it’s not a real object or a real activity, but it is a real career. Got that? Hey, money’s just a mutually agreed upon delusion anyway. It makes TOTAL sense to me.
Now, to think of crossover opportunities. Oh, ComicCon, sure, but let’s get creative here. Lightsaber-wielding bodyguard? Hey, we’ve endured the Cooterflash Wars, the Duelling DUI‘s: since lengthy prison stints do tend to take one off TMZ‘s radar, perhaps Pimp My Bodyguard is the way to go, and in the darkness of most nightclubs I can’t think of a more impressive way to stand out in Teddy‘s than to be guarded by a ring of lightsaber stormtroopers. Oh, scuse me, I’ve got a call…
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Some of those New York intellectual types can be rather tightly wound. Here, the OriginalUnoriginal reports as eminence grise Harold Bloom, the king of litcrit heavyweights, Sterling Professor for the Humanities at Yale University, and Berg Professor of English and American Literature at New York University, goes apeshit on some hapless Pottermaniacs.
“It’s crap! It’s fucking crap! It’s double fucking crap!” He ranted at the assembly of overtly nerdy adults and blank-faced children – many wearing faux dark-rimmed glasses and wizard hats – who seemed more perplexed by Bloom’s sub-references than intimidated by his harangue.
“What’s a Northrop Frye?” one school-aged boy with an “I Heart Hogwarts” t-shirt asked his mother.
“I don’t know,” she responded. “Maybe some kind of breakfast special?”
He was taken away in an ambulance, attended closely by officers of the NYPD, but was expected to make a full recovery after a course of treatment at St. Mungo’s Hospital.
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Well, Technorati loves me, but Google has forgotten I exist. Ah well, they’re probably just getting back at me for misusing their name as a generic verb; these Internet people are such drama queens! It’s true, though: my posts don’t seem to show up on Google at all anymore, although when someone posts them to Digg the Digg post turns up okay. I also appear to be AOL’s favorite referral, which is weird. I mean, people still use AOL?
Technorati situation:
Rank: 15,898
Which is pretty cool, particularly when you realize that two weeks ago I was at 17,800. That’s the kind of breakthrough I’ve been looking for for awhile. Now to get it back to 14,400, which it was for all of twelve hours before Technorati did a reorg and kicked me back to 18000..
In related news, search terms indicate unsurprisingly that you’re all about the Potter boy lately. Seriously, you can’t wait one more day? The entire top half of the Vancouver Sun yesterday was dedicated to this guy who’d found the book online…like I did about three months ago. Really, I DO need to do a better PR job for myself. Why should some other pathetic internet obsessed nerd get the cover of the paper and not me? He doesn’t even have a blog to pimp out!
But top posts is looking like this lately:
Britney Spears(?) sex tape trailer 235
Harry Potter spoiler di tutti spoiler 131
Harry Potter final paragraph 129
Daniel Radcliffe in Equus 94
Harry Potter and the treasure trail of s 48
mummified fairy remains found!!! 46
beaver shots 40
Linkie o’ the Day: Beautiful Agony 30
the Harry Potter Countdown ticker: get i 17
LolGoth #16: ai iz kleered 4 takeoff! 17
I’m sensing a trend. Also sensing that hits are headed towards a cliff, off which they will throw themselves in about 25 hours. Ah well, Britney will always put out for me…or just about anyone, so it seems.
In related news, nobody on Reddit is interested in Boris Johnson, as mine is the only story on him on the site and nobody’s voted it up. Did okay on Digg, but not Pottermania levels. Diggers, it seems, have more of a sense of humour; whodathunkit?
The benefits of encouraging newbies have manifested themselves, as blogpimping apprentice With Malice was interviewed and managed to plug the ol’ raincoaster blog repeatedly with links throughout the interview. That’s my boy! He also linked to my All Star Hooker Bust post, and why would he do such a thing? Because shrinking violet here asked him to, that’s why. He also liked my Air Sex story and video. Hey, if golf is a sport, so is air sex.
I’m trying to put together a “Virtual Birthday Present Roundup” but it’s frankly too big a project. Archie, ferinstance, posted virtually nothing but tentacles the entire week of my birthday, and every blogger in the Western Hemisphere plus a couple in the Eastern one sent me the story of the giant squid washing up in Tasmania. More on this later…because I know you’ll keep coming back for the sweet, sweet Fake Britney Porn.
Lolgoths finally came through for me, achieving continued readership and a link from this article; the neat thing here is that the Bloggersblog has something like eight different URLs, all with different authority levels, all the way up to 700. And technorati counts each one. I love the scent of SEO in the morning!
Also: snuck past the WordPress.com censors and made it into Top Blogs and Top Posts again today. They’re all partying at Wordcamp and will doubtless delete me as soon as they return.
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raincoaster 