Harry Potter, Marilyn Monroe, and Chewbacca: when wookiees attack!

Chewbacca

What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is a repeat offender.

Chewbacca, a Wookiee listing his occupation as “co-pilot,” is the prime suspect in a sexual assault on the blonde bombshell Marilyn Monroe which took place during the long-awaited and star-studded premiere of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at the illustrious Kodak Theatre.

CBS has the deets:

Chewbacca … sexually assaulted … Marilyn Monroe … in front of the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood in June. The wookie then evaded arrest, police said.

According to an officer with the LAPD, Chewbacca allegedly took the platinum-coiffed actress’s hand and placed it on his private parts as the characters performed for tips from tourists…

Hey, now that I think of it, just exactly what was he trying to perform, and how much will tourists pay to see that?

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so, like, this is a stickup, eh?

GangstersThis just may be the most perfectly Canadian bank robbery of all time. Basic facts stolen from the Peterborough police blotter, plus News of the Weird.

So Christopher Emmorey decides that life in Peterborough is just not exciting enough. I’ve been to Peterborough; I know where he’s coming from. I can sympathize. But unlike Christopher Emmorey, I wouldn’t decide that the remedy was to go knock over a bank.

And why would I not decide that? Well, for one thing there was that advice about bank robbery that the cop gave me; for another, I’m familiar with the way Canadian banks work.

They work like this:

So, he gets in the lineup (there is always a lineup) and he waits obediently and quietly for his turn, probably not so much as playing with the pens, probably not even wrapping those little beaded chains around their stems, because yeah, I’ve noticed I’m the only one that does that. And eventually the tellers work through the line of pensioners, housewives, business customers, and what-have-yous that crowd a bank during banking hours, and he gets up to the wicket, whereupon he makes his polite, yet weapons-referenced demand for some cash:

specifically, $2000.

Guess he didn’t want to be greedy.

The teller, eyelid-batting nowhere in evidence, calmly informed him that, as he was not a regular customer of the bank, he could only get $200, and further that he would have to pay a five dollar service charge. And he agreed.
I’m starting to love this teller. Aren’t you? Even though I know that bitch would ding me double on overdraft charges. I can sort of see a young Margaret Thatcher doing this, had her life taken a slightly different turn.

She gave him the $195, alerted the police who arrested him immediately, and no doubt hasn’t had to pay for her own drinks since.

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lolgoth #18: Trent versus the record companies

Stole this one from lolnin, with which there is much crossover on the LolGoth project, as you can imagine. Worry not, LolGothFans (both of you), I shall get cracking on a new series and post my long-delayed Henry LOLins as soon as I get a decent image program installed on this laptop. MS Paint? I wouldn’t paint a barn with that piece of crap!

ninvisible record executive

Now, with added backstory!

Trent:

It’s a very odd time to be a musician on a major label, because there’s so much resentment towards the record industry that it’s hard to position yourself in a place with the fans where you don’t look like a greedy asshole…I know people have it and I know it’s on everybody’s iPods, but the climate is such that people don’t buy it because it’s easier to steal it.

You’re a bit of a computer geek. You must have been there, too?

Oh, I understand that — I steal music too, I’m not gonna say I don’t. But it’s tough not to resent people for doing it when you’re the guy making the music, that would like to reap a benefit from that. On the other hand, you got record labels that are doing everything they can to piss people off and rip them off. I created a little issue down here because the first thing I did when I got to Sydney is I walk into HMV, the week the record’s out, and I see it on the rack with a bunch of other releases. And every release I see: $21.99, $22.99, $24.99. And ours doesn’t have a sticker on it. I look close and ‘Oh, it’s $34.99’. So I walk over to see our live DVD Beside You in Time, and I see that it’s also priced six, seven, eight dollars more than every other disc on there. And I can’t figure out why that would be.

Did you have a word to anyone?

Well, in Brisbane I end up meeting and greeting some record label people, who are pleasant enough, and one of them is a sales guy, so I say “Why is this the case?” He goes “Because your packaging is a lot more expensive”. I know how much the packaging costs — it costs me, not them, it costs me 83 cents more to have a CD with the colour-changing ink on it. I’m taking the hit on that, not them. So I said “Well, it doesn’t cost $10 more”. “Ah, well, you’re right, it doesn’t. Basically it’s because we know you’ve got a core audience that’s gonna buy whatever we put out, so we can charge more for that. It’s the pop stuff we have to discount to get people to buy it. True fans will pay whatever”. And I just said “That’s the most insulting thing I’ve heard. I’ve garnered a core audience that you feel it’s OK to rip off? F— you’. That’s also why you don’t see any label people here, ‘cos I said ‘F— you people. Stay out of my f—ing show. If you wanna come, pay the ticket like anyone else. F— you guys”. They’re thieves. I don’t blame people for stealing music if this is the kind of s— that they pull off.

Where does that extra $10 on your album go?

That money’s not going into my pocket, I can promise you that. It’s just these guys who have f—ed themselves out of a job essentially, that now take it out on ripping off the public. I’ve got a battle where I’m trying to put out quality material that matters and I’ve got fans that feel it’s their right to steal it and I’ve got a company that’s so bureaucratic and clumsy and ignorant and behind the times they don’t know what to do, so they rip the people off.

Given all that, do you have any idea how to approach the release of your next album?

I’ve have one record left that I owe a major label, then I will never be seen in a situation like this again. If I could do what I want right now, I would put out my next album, you could download it from my site at as high a bit-rate as you want, pay $4 through PayPal. Come see the show and buy a T-shirt if you like it. I would put out a nicely packaged merchandise piece, if you want to own a physical thing. And it would come out the day that it’s done in the studio, not this “Let’s wait three months” bulls—.

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quiz: which hitman are you?

For max, because I couldn’t find a La Femme Nikita quiz. Maybe because she kept killing all the other characters?


Which hitman are you?

 

You are Vincent Vega.The coolest hitman of all time.Your style is almost as important as your work ethic. You arent afraid to question authority. But your smart enough to keep your mouth shut. You are the coolest motherfucker this side of Memphis!
Take this quiz!

 

 

 

Quizilla |Join

 

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

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UK news: how to get away with blowing up three cars in a huge fireball without being suspected of terrorism

UPDATE: see Big Bang Blogged Blindly for a full update of the REAL situation. That’s what I get for looking to the Sun for anything but tits.

It’s easy. Just look like Damien‘s little sister here:

Sarah Dean

Story from the Sun, paraphrased here to spare your virgin eyes from sight of the twisted perversions they call Journalism over the pond.

Oh, ho, ho! what a funny our little Sarah pulled! The love! Comely blonde Sarah Dean, who has a silly little job in the travel industry where she has access to passport numbers, passenger lists, flight plans, airport maps, etc, can’t afford posh transport and drives a VW, and we all know that anything lower than a Bentley is a beater, so it’s just nature’s way that the bally thing went and blew itself up [seems not] on June 29th, just one day before the discovery of the car bombs in London and two days before the SUV-based incendiary attack on Glasgow airport; why, the damn thing was in such rough shape that it erupted in what witnesses called “a fireball”[maybe they did and maybe they didn’t but it certainly doesn’t appear to have been a fireball], taking out itself completely, plus destroying the rather solidly-built Porsche sitting beside it, as well as the no-name car on the opposite side. [minor damage to the other two cars, and no explosion] Poor Sarah!

To be serious for a moment, either people with connections to the travel industry who happen to be blowing cars up in the UK are a risk or they are not. Either all such people should be investigated for connections to terrorism, or none should be. I have not the slightest idea of Sarah Dean is a hapless clerk or a terrorist mastermind, but then neither do you. Let this very weird, very peculiarily timed incident be fully investigated. Cars rarely blow up, especially German ones.

A friend of mine, not given to the wearing of tinfoil chapeaux, suggested an interesting explanation for all the virus outbreaks on cruise ships: someone was doing a dry run.

Glasgow suspect arrested

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