Olympic Torch Ride-Along Live (well, undead) Blog

Olympic Torchbearer

I’m being tremendously lazy today because I spent far too much time trying to get iTunes to do what I want it to do, which is move certain songs off my CD drive onto my iPhone without erasing every song on my iPhone right now or forcing me to upload to the iPhone all the goddam ABBA and crap that’s on the hard drive, but Nooooooooooooo, Steve won’t have it.

Seriously, you KNOW you’ve put your stamp on a company when even their smallest products reproduce your pathologies in perfect detail.

Anyhoooooooo… Today, thanks to Sam Macmillan at 6S and Michael Allison at the Wilcox Group, I got to ride in the convoy of the Olympic Torch today, although I did not actually see the flame, which is neither here nor there but somewhere else, which is where it would be if it was, isn’t it?

Now, perhaps we need a little background…

I live on the Downtown Eastside, and the Olympics have, for literally the past 2 years, been a huge political shitstorm of Katrina-esque proportions. That the Olympics would take place regardless of how popular the No Olympics movement became was clear from the beginning and if there’s one thing my time working at Greenpeace taught me, it’s that by participating in useless protests that will never result in change, people bleed off their urge to act and, thus, prevent themselves from changing the world.

And I have a problem with that.

So, surrounded as I have been for the past 24 months by nonstop political sloganeering from all sides of the issue, essentially all of the mindshare I’ve given the Olympics has been equal-opportunity pushback, as in “WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE? AND YOU! THERE! SUCK IT UP, THE OLYMPICS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN WHETHER YOU WHINE ABOUT IT IN PUBLIC OR NOT! AND YOU! THERE! MY WHOLE GODDAM COUNTRY IS A FREE SPEECH ZONE SO SUCK IT YOU’RE NOT IN BEIJING ANYMORE!” and equally pointed words to those effects.

Although it was cool when my boy Bono said “No Olympics on Stolen Land” in the concert to which I didn’t buy a ticket to because I assumed, wrongly, that they’d be too expensive. Which they were not, and serves me right for not investigating, but oh well, such is the cost of pessimism.

So, as I remarked over at Trueslant, my ability to get past the politicking to connect emotionally with the actual sports and internationalism has been crippled (yes, deliberate word choice, suck it). Then again, apathy is a national characteristic, so maybe I’m just being a Good Canadian.

So, it was both nice and remarkable that, given all that backstory, Michael and Sam decided to pick me as one of the 2 bloggers to get a ride-along today (the other was the (in)famous John Chow) but they did (boy, I sure snookered them, didn’t I, and now I’m gonna hear from all the “billiards” PC-ists, aren’t I oh yes I am).

So, behold the live-tweeted timeline of a conversion. I’m really, truly grateful to them for inviting me along, because not even a cynic like me can resist seeing, say, 10,000 people in a single block in Deep Cove, all dressed in red and white and cheering their semifrozen faces off and freakin’ cowbelling like their lives depended on it.

Cherry Blossoms on the DTES

Stuck in traffic behind #Olympic torch on The Reservation in North Van can’t see a darn thing

@JohnChow we will see you soon. Why didn’t they pick speedy runners? Even I can run this fast!

Olympic Torch Traffic Dollarton Highway North Vancouver

Pretty thrilling, no? #Olympic #van2010 http://twitpic.com/12fbe0

@lussobaby yes the cherryblossoms behind Firehall Theatre are always the first in the city

Well @michaelallison says he can see the flame! Good eyes http://twitpic.com/12fd4n

Listening to thestory of how the #Olympic caravan saved a disabled driver who went off the road in Renfrew Ont thx to OnStar

RT @VANobserver RT @MargaretAtwood: Striking a blow for free speech: Vancouver Poet Laureate Brad Cran http://tinyurl.com/yek2qag Yikes!

Coca Cola is the longest running #Olympic sponsor

Convoy vehicles are called Happy1 Happy2 Loonie and Toonie. How Canadian is that? Kids are all cheering the Coke trucks looking 4 freebies!

2techs and 5 detailers 110 vehicles altogether, over half are GM #Olympic #van2010

We are rolling with the #Olympic #van2010 torch

Um we just passed the torch. Are we supposed to do that? http://twitpic.com/12fl1g

Olympic Torch Crowd in Dollarton, North Vancouver

http://twitpic.com/12fl95

Ha @johnchow is driving the crowd wild yelling “you’re on YouTube!” #Olympic #van2010

In Dollarton abt 5 minutes ahead of the #Olympic #van2010 torch. Now I know how U2‘s warmup act feels

[seriously, it’s like we know you’re wondering who the hell we are, but YAY, huh?]

Cowbell! #Olympic #van2010

Apparently schools go wild and so do some malls when they see the #Olympic #van2010 torch but Dollarton is too dignified

In Saskatchewan some ppl wheeled their granny out to see the #Olympic #van2010 torch and sstuck her right in the middle of the tracks!

3schools ina row coming up

I’m finally learning how this whole RELAY thing works #Olympic #van2010

Awesome job the announcers have whipping up the crowd for 110 straight days. WOO! Cowbell #Olympic #van2010 #olympics

@OkanaganWriting I’m riding with one of the GM guys and he says half [of the vehicles are GM]

Somebody is ringing the churchbell and someone else is waving a Molsons box! #Olympic #van2010 #olympics http://twitpic.com/12fokt [missed the picture, sadly; t’was funny]

@busybeeblogger It IS fun, I’m really glad I got the chance

@jeremylim you can ask I guess. They picked me out of thinair as far as I know [in reply to the obvious “how do I get in on that ridealong action question]

@WoundedCrane are they fancy? [she said she wanted Swiss cowbells for her dogs; I thought maybe Swiss House had special commemorative cowbells, or at least commemorative cows]

Olympic Torchbearer Deep Cove

Torchbearer http://twitpic.com/12fpeu

Cheers #van2010 #olympics #olympics http://moby.to/rqf86o

More cheers and now Journey on the stereo. Hair bands ftw http://moby.to/3j7ce5

Holycrap people actually singing along. That never happens in Canada #van2010 #olympics http://twitpic.com/12fqiw

Deep Cove on Olympic Torch Route

[another sunny day in Deep Cove]

Deep Cove #van2010 #olympics http://twitpic.com/12fqtx

The royal bank was giving out noisemakers and boy howdy are ppl using them. But I do think cowbells win #van2010 (cont) http://tl.gd/87jop

Deep Cove Crowd on Olympic Torch Route

http://twitpic.com/12frmk

Cowichan Sweater

Somebody just yelled Nice Coat at me. Real Cowichan FTW! #van2010 #olympics http://twitpic.com/12fs8t

@yurechko I’m with @michaelallison and @johnchow

@WoundedCrane deep cove [in response to “where are you that it’s raining?]

@jeremylim thanks you will get there [in response to “Nonsense. You’re highly prolific and very much loved. Wish I were the same so I could get in that van!”]

John chow says 300m is one Vegas block and I say 2 furlongs we all have diff frames of reference #van2010 #olympics

@WilcoxPR thx 4 the rt. 10,000 ppl in deep cove on just 2 blocks [the PR agency behind the ride-along starts contributing to the convo]

Explaining the Raven pub to my carmates for #van2010 [specifically, their Stupid Hot Wings. Story goes; they have 5 levels of heat, and if you can eat the Stupid Hot Wings plate, your whole meal is free. Nobody’s ever won. Waitress says “why do you think they’re called STUPID hot?]

raincoaster Art and John Chow from the Olympic Torch Ride Along

RT GM_ArtAndSerge @raincoaster and @johnchow with Art! http://tweetphoto.com/10968091

@WilcoxPR loved it, thanks 4 making the ridealong happen. Now I’m off to blog it

RT vanmediacoop upcoming – VIVO media arts “evening news” events to discuss Olympics, convergence, media & movements http://bit.ly/a2yrHt #report2010

Olympic Torch Coke Bottles

I have NO collector’s sensibility. #Olympic swag commemorative aluminum Caffeinated Swag cracked. I’m thirsty! http://tweetphoto.com/10980949

Eh Voila!

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What did you do today, raincoaster?

It’s quiet. Too quiet.

You may have noticed it’s been quieter around here than normal lately. That’s not because I’ve stopped working 14-18-hour days; it’s because I’ve been doing all kinds of crazy time-filling things that will ultimately pay off but not in money of course, because this is raincoaster we’re talking about and as everyone knows, I don’t ever see actual money. No in this time-space continuum, anyway.

I has a muneez. Is THAT what it looks like?

So. Anyway. What have I been doing with myself? Moving Lolebrity off WordPress.com (yes, yes, ZOMG IS THE WORLD ENDING? no it is not, but I thought I’d take one of my better-hit-getting bloggeroonies and turn that bitch out. Time to put it on the corner and make pay for its keep. Lolebrity’s URL remains the same as it’s been since about Day Four, http://lolebrity.net and all your gajillions of links to it (right? right?) will still work, and if you haven’t linked to it yet, there’s no time like the present, especially with posts like The Real Reason Brad Left Angie.

Let me repeat: I have a post which explains:

The Real Reason Brad Left Angie

Pass it on.

And if you’re a talented theme hacker or theme deconstructor (is there money in that? how the hell would I know?) you can drop me a comment explaining why some posts center perfectly and have lovely frames around them while some of them just sort of stumble crazily off to the right side like lopsided dipsomaniacs and my supposedly-dynamic header and footer stay as black as can be. I’m going to put it in Duotone theme, but apparently that theme requires major hacking to get it working on independently-hosted WP blogs, and I’m just not up for that till this weekend at the earliest.

Dammit Jim, I’m a blogger, not a script kiddie!

What else did I do besides switch the blog over and manually edit nearly EVERY GODDAM POST to get it to work with the Monotone theme and edit ALL THE FREAKING CATEGORIES to be properly punctuated and hierarchical and install the AllinOneSEO Pack and a bunch of other plugins and only crashed the entire blog network twice because of that damn BackTalk or whatever it’s called?

Calmed far too much internet drama, even for me. Is it a full moon already?

I volunteered TheShebeenClub to organize a poetry event with Toddy McWong, the famous Chinese Scot behind Vangroover’s grooviest annual event, Gung Haggis Fat Choy, for which I have been saving my pennies for two months. Robbie Burns Idol? Bagpipes and dragon dances as distractionduring a limerick contest? We’ll think of something.

I volunteered the Shebeen Club to host a Wake for Duthie Books, one of the country’s most beloved bookstores, finally closing after more than a half-century. Celia Duthie will be our guest of honour, the net proceeds will be donated to a literary charity, and we’ll collect books (which you can buy on sale at Duthie!) to donate to a local charity. There will be many fun surprises at the event, trust ol’ raincoaster here.

I posted:

A Wake for Duthie Books (duh)

Poetry Plaque on Keefer Street (a mystery!)

Sociable! Book Launch Thursday

The Living Society Art Show and Flashmob: Call for artists and participants

Revitalizing a Media Reform Movement in Canada by OpenMedia

Hell is Other People

(I make these lols myself, great art takes time)

Donatella Versace stars in The Mummy Rises

The Real Reason Brad Left Angie

Amber Rose Attacked by Tribbles

They’re HEEEEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEE! Otherwise known as Georgio Armani is losing it

Polymorphous Fabulosity (my very favoritest music video)

Caption Contest Results: Mariah Carey Edition

and about a thousand links to things I didn’t have time to post about over on Tumblr.

Plus moved my office upstairs to make way for the art installation that’s going into the BOB Coworking space for the Cultural Olympiad. Should be interesting: a sound installation of bamboo and water, by Trimpin, a fellow who’s won a MacArthur Genius Grant. I am, if nothing else, consumed by jealousy, but then they don’t yet give out those grants for celebrity blogging. THE MEDIA IS FIXED!!!

And the internet swallows its own tail.

Cat Squared

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Merry Fucking Christmas

merry fucking Christmas

I’ve been told (repeatedly) that I’ve been in a bad mood lately, which is something that’ll put you in a bad mood even if you weren’t in one already, which I usually am, so I thought I might as well just fucking go with it. So. Merry Fucking Christmas.

… you boys at FOX still freak out every year about how everyone’s out to get your special trees. This is really the most important thing you have to talk about? Whether Target says Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas? Here’s a brainstorm: there’s a fucking war on. Our soldiers are out there dying while you guys do your 14th live feed of the day from WalMart to show us what good little consumers we are. What Would Jesus Do? He’d jump over that newsdesk and kick your ass for that shit. Are you sure you want to hang your journalism credentials on a story about what some guy calls a tree?

Well we’ve fucking had it. You want to play bullshit games and scream about how God’s fucking judgment is gonna come raining down on us if we don’t start watching our vocabulary? Go right the fuck ahead. But let me clue you in on something: fire and brimstone ain’t no deterrent for us. We’re not going to hell, assholes, we’re fucking in hell. We live with you.

Merry Fucking Christmas, by Denis Leary

Ol’ Saint Nick’s got bourbon breath
It’s so cold you could catch your death
A cop sold me some crystal meth
It’s a Merry Fucking Christmas

Everything’s so Christmassy
The streets are twinkling with frozen pee
My priest just sat on santa’s knee
It’s a Merry Fucking Christmas

All the kids go to bed each night to dream what santa brings ’em (brings ’em)
Unless they’re jewish or muslim or some other gyp religion
Crappy toys flying off the shelves
Midgets dressed up to look like elves
Spread good cheer or burn in hell
It’s a Merry Fucking Christmas

All the kids go to bed each night to dream what santa brings ’em
Unless they’re jewish or muslim or some other gyp religion
Cracklin’ fires to keep me warm
And my collection of asian porn
Cradle my bells and work my horn
It’s a keep on truckin’, last year suckin’, midget chuckin’, slap the puckin’, how much wood could a wood chuck chuckin’, Merry Fucking Christmas

HO HO HO!
Shut up! *slap noise*

Which is not an Arrogant Worms song. The Arrogant Worms did:

  1. Christmas Sucks
  2. Christmas Turkey Blues
  3. Dad Threw Up On Christmas Day
  4. Santa Got Arrested
  5. Things Are Looking Bad For Santa
  6. Vincent The Christmas Virus

Among many others. But not, I repeat, NOT Merry Fucking Christmas, which was done by Denis Leary. Or, for that matter, the War of 1812, which was done by  Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie and which is wonderful, but has nothing whatever to do with Christmas as far as I know. There is, in fact, no shortage of anti-Christmas music, although not quite enough to drown out the pathetic warblings of some long-dead alcoholic on the mall speaker system croaking out yet another twee iteration of  “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree“.

The Charlie Brown Christmas Tree leads to yet another Merry Fucking Christmas

Have Yourself a Merry Fucking Christmas by Mary Nightshade, who’s apparently even grumpier than me :

Have yourself a merry fucking Christmas
Shove it up your ass
Pardon me for a seasoned greeting so crass
Have yourself a merry fucking Christmas
Keep drinking that eggnog
Chased with Jag shots so you’re in a drunken fog
No such thing as “the good old days”
Just get that out of your head
Though it’s better than the future
When we’ll all wish we were dead
Good luck on getting yourself together
That’s IF time allows
I wanted to kill this sacred cow somehow
So have yourself a merry fucking Christmas now

But wait, there’s more!

Merry Fucking Christmas was also done by the bad boys of South Park, who did such a super job on Team America, World Police (fuck yeah!) and here it is:

(apparently South Park has better lawyers than Denis Leary does)

I heard there is no Christmas
In the silly Middle East
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus
They have different religious beliefs

They believe in Muhammad
And not in our holiday
And so every December
I go to the Middle East and say…

“Hey there Mr. Muslim
Merry fucking Christmas
Put down that book the Koran
And hear some holiday wishes.

In case you haven’t noticed
It’s Jesus’s birthday.
So get off your heathen Muslim ass
and fucking celebrate.

There is no holiday season in India I’ve heard
They don’t hang up their stockings
And that is just absurd!

They’ve never read a Christmas story.
They don’t know what Rudolph is about
And that is why in December
I’ll go to India and shout…

Hey there Mr. Hinduist
Merry fucking Christmas
Drink eggnog and eat some beef
And pass it to the missus.

In case you haven’t noticed
It’s Jesus’s birthday
So get off your heathen Hindu ass
and fucking celebrate!

Now I heard that in Japan
Everyone just lives in sin
They pray to several gods
And put needles in their skin.

On December 25th
All they do is eat a cake
And that is why I go to Japan
And walk around and say…

Hey there Mr. Shintoist
Merry fucking Christmas
God is going to kick your ass
You infidelic pagan scum.

In case you haven’t noticed
There’s festive things to do
So lets all rejoice for Jesus
And Merry fucking Christmas to you.

On Christmas day I travel `round theworld and say,
Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists too,
Merry Fucking Christmas, To You!

Now if that doesn’t put you in the right mood, there’s only ONE thing I can do to shake the Christmas Spirit into your thick skull, and that is to introduce you to my new favorite Christmastime movie, In Bruges.

I think you know all the words.

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Sunday Night’s Alright for Fighting

What the hell, there’s nothing else to do.

If nothing else, you can see the value Twitter adds to the world of flamewarring: instead of hitting Refresh, Refresh, Refresh and waiting to see if your opponent has updated his blog/left another comment on yours, Twitter now enables people to make asses of themselves in realtime!

It all started…with this innocuous little post:

So far, so what? you’re probably thinking. Well, nothing. It’s just a link to some video of a fluffy white doggy trying to stay upright on a slidey plastic surface with four doggie shoes on.

And it ended like this:

And in between, now sadly deleted on MM’s part in the Slow Sunday Night on Twitter version of the missing 15 minutes from the Watergate Tapes, there was this:

@MortgageMark I wouldn’t either. That’s just cruel; saddle shoes are SO last year!

@raincoaster mellow out my friend

@MortgageMark I work for Shoeblogs LLC. I take these things seriously!

@raincoaster Listen, my son’s girlfriend bought them as a gift. We tried them on once. Don’t really care what blog you work for, suck it up

@MortgageMark “Suck it up?” Great people skillz, dude. I was JOKING. Chill thyself!

@raincoaster “dude” I guess my people skills aren’t that great. Just kidding, they’re fantastic ; )

and, after the above was deleted, this from me:

@MortgageMark If you trust your people skills, why don’t you apologize instead of just deleting those tweets?

Some things go without saying, you know what I’m sayin’?

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Art Cop!

Everyone’s heard of the fashion police (they were even handing out tickets here in Vancouver a couple of years back, but they must have stopped since nobody’s tried to arrest me recently) but what about art cops? And I’m not talking about the Bureaucratocracy that runs the galleries; I’m talking about actual men and women of action, prowling around, making sure that art is paid the respect which is its due, whether that’s busting the kneecaps of some thug who tries to stash his gum underneath the Louise Nevelson or this:

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