Category Archives: media

Avatars of Feminine Power: Bad Role Models

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Endora was the shizznit and don't you even TRY to say different or I'll turn you into a newt. A special-needs newt

Endora was the shizznit and don't you even TRY to say different or I'll turn you into a newt. A special-needs newt

One of an ongoing series featuring Angie Dickinson, Suzanne Pleshette, Catherine Deneuve, Catwoman, Britney Spears, Mylene Farmer, Vanessa Paradis, an Iraqi police woman in training, Rembrandt’s Pallas Athena, Barbie, and now, Endora from Bewitched.

I always wanted to grow up to be her, and I think I may have finally succeeded. Now to get my hands on that wardrobe!

Pucci Galore!

What I like about her is…seriously, everything. I even dyed my hair red for a couple of years! She takes no prisoners, takes no shit, takes names and kicks ass, and she was right: her daughter married a total dork. Derwood was a feeb. I’m sorry, all you Derwoods or Darvins or Dickwads or Whatevers out there, but you’re just not good enough and it would be cruel to let you go through life in a fog of self-delusion, correct?

Endora would NEVER stoop to psychoactives. Other than Martinis, of course

Endora would NEVER stoop to psychoactives. Other than Martinis, of course

Do you know the Sedona Method? Its aim is to give insecure, dweebish people a feeling of accomplishment. Regardless of whether or not they have, in fact, accomplished anything.

You can see why Endora and I would have a problem with that, yes? [clue for Derwoods: say Yes]

So, from Endora I have taken my vociferous contempt for the inferior, my belief that if one is magical enough one can get away with anything, and my taste for earrings of true splendiferositude.

Endora enjoys Champagne mainly on the plane over Spain

Endora enjoys Champagne mainly on the plane over Spain

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Endora and me: can we help it if we're fabulous?

Endora and me: can we help it if we're fabulous?

Sesame Street Sob Story

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Ever wonder where Oscar the Grouch came from? Seriously, if ever I saw a character with a backstory, Oscar is it.

Grover paid his dues the old-fashioned way, starting as a shoeshine monster and making his way as a waiter/comedian on the mean streets of Queens, until the day he was talent-scouted by the youthful duo of Ernie and Bert, auditioned for a new television project of theirs, and his fortune was made. Big Bird lucked out and made it on his first audition, if you believe the official storyline; unofficially, it’s believed that his never-seen but well-connected (Bunbury-ish?) Granny Bird had something to do with getting the clueless yet appealing big lug such a high-profile gig.

Elmo? Well, we’ve discussed Elmo.

Oscar’s story is a little different, a little more universal, a little more … dare we say it? Tragic.

grouch_12b.jpg

Be a Movie Producer!

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or look just like one…

Oh god, not ANOTHER one!

Oh god, not ANOTHER one!

No, it’s true: this is a plan to enable you to put “movie producer” on your business card, which will come in handy on a Friday at the clubs, if no-where else. Actually, it will count for something with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, who will allow any actual credited producer to purchase a ticket to the Academy Awards, better known as the Oscars.

Come to think of it, I’ve got a friend who’s always wanted to go. Hmmmm…

Allow me to introduce With Glowing Hearts, the motion picture:

So far, so awww, right? Yes, it’s an inspirational documentary, perhaps the least likely to be commercially successful genre of film in filmdom. How can you become a producer of this acclaimed-but-so-far-unreleased soon-to-be-classic? Easy; everybody knows there’s one way to become a producer.

You come up with the money.

In this case, you can come up with amounts as small as a Toonie:

Making a film costs money, and although we’ve done a great job at keeping our costs down there are certain expenses which are unavoidable. That’s why from now, until the middle of August, we’re running our Toonie and Tweet Torch Relay to help get us to the finish line and to get your name in the credits.  Starting with a minimum contribution of $2, “producers” can have their name published in a word cloud that will appear in the film’s credit roll and on this site. Increasing your contribution will increase the size of your name in the cloud.

All money collected will go directly towards costs related to finishing and distributing the film like insurance, music rights, and salaries for the great people who have been working on the film with us.  Just click on the Chip-In widget to the right and follow the instructions to use either your PayPal account or credit card, note that transactions are conducted in US dollars but will be converted to your local currency on your bill.  The name that is associated with your PayPal account is the same that will be used for the credits, if you would like a different name to appear in the credits please indicate that under “special instructions for vendor” on the “Review your payment” page.

Sure, it says mid-August, but if you ask nicely you’ll probably find there’s always room for more money (though perhaps it will need more zeros after the 2). Go on, haven’t you always wanted to be a Hollywood big shot? I hear Clooney is breaking up with his latest bimbette, so if you’re a brunette and you can get him good and drunk at the Vanity Fair afterparty, you’ve probably got a shot.

Don’t stop till you get enough!

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Michael Jackson was the king of pap

Michael Jackson, the late

Don’t you love those complete strangers who reach out of the blue to send you hate mail and then follow it up with more hate mail saying they are SO DONE talking to you and then, when you don’t reply, send you even more hate mail about how they are LIKE TOTALLY NOT TALKING TO YOU NOPE NOT TO YOU NOT EVER AGAIN THEY ARE SO DONE WITH THAT. And then they send you one more to make sure you got the message, and then they block you.

What is it about Michael Jackson, exactly, that attracts a vast over-representation of the touchy and hyperbolic to his fandom? And don’t try to tell me about his many non-touchy, non-hyperbolic fans; I am talking about the vast army of gibbering, defensive nutters that orbit him like the rings of Saturn. If I could, I’d prescribe them a double dosage of Buddha Mind, but they’d probably wig out from the sudden mental detox.

Apparently something on Blogtalk Radio is set to tear  me, personally, a new asshole on Friday the 16th. Apparently I’m part of some media conspiracy (I can only say that the pay is terrible) to destroy MJ. Honestly, Jackson himself doesn’t interest me; it’s always been the fans. Why? Because they are the extreme cases of fandom, and if you want to learn about the Celebrity-Industrial Complex, you have to look at the fans. They are what it’s about, and the wingnutty ones are particularly fascinating, the way any pathology is fascinating.

The PR campaign didn’t have quite the effect intended: instead of causing a flood of comments to any of my blogs, it has resulted in a grand total of two nasty Facebook message strings, both from Australians. I guess there’s not much to do in Australia this time of year.

Tegan Ellis Facebook hate mail

Tegan Ellis is SO not talking to me. Over and over.

If you can’t read that, click here to open a bigger version.

Lindy Bartter is also not talking to me

Lindy Bartter is also not talking to me, but in worse English

Tegan lists her interests as Animals, Friendship, Equality, Compassion, Peace, Honesty, Intellectual Conversations, Rainbows, Horse Riding, and her favorite band is…

Nickelback.

The fans, they write themselves!

the jokes they write themselves

the jokes they write themselves, sometimes to Facebook

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Operation Global Media Domination: To Whom It May Concern

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True/Slant tells us the news is more than what happens, so here's what happened

True/Slant

“NEWS IS MORE THAN WHAT HAPPENS.”

Certified Mail –

Return Receipt Requested

June 22, 2010

RE: Content License Agreements

Dear Contributor:

As you are probably aware True/Slant Inc. has been bought by and merged into Forbes. This transaction means great changes for True/Slant. Unfortunately it means that at this time we must exercise our right to terminate our Agreement with you effective 30 days hence. We will be working with you to move your content to a WordPress blog; we’ll send details on that shortly. While at the moment we do not have a need for your services, we forsee the possibility down the road of contacting you again.

I wanted to personally thank you for all that you have done to make True/Slant what it is today. We wish you good luck and hope that our paths cross again in the future.

Very truly yours,

Lewis Dvorkin

549 BROADWAY SUITE 1012    NEW YORK, NY 10012     INFO@TRUESLANT.COM
TRUESLANT.COM
.


God knows, I’ve been laid off before. Just usually by people who knew my name.

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For those of you who are interested, no, the Michael Jackson posts didn’t do it. It’d be a sorry-ass news site indeed that would fire somebody for getting hate mail. Coates and I had a lot of talks before I got hired, and one of the things that made him say Yes was my ability to generate controversy. Which hasn’t gotten my work posted to the front page ever since I started talking about Michael Jackson, but who knows? Maybe Steve Forbes is a big fan. I actually have no complaints about the way I was treated, except the one about a non-specific noun rather than a personal one in that greeting. May I be excused my emo moment?

It’s okay, I’ve still got my poetry.

By the way, for trivia fans no, they did not in fact send it Certified Mail, so I guess this will have to do as a return receipt.

I’ll be very, very sorry to see this gig go. It was never going to be a millionaire-maker, nor was my drawing power something that had Matt Taibbi staying up nights, but I was proud of the work I did there (and, I guess, will continue to do right up till the end of July, just because I’m so nice) and having briefly had one, I will never again underestimate the power of a site that has the attention of the New York media.

John Cusack retweeted my post about him, and said (somewhat loopily, as usual) “I liek lorriane!” Ian McKellen retweeted my post about him.

It’s not supposed to matter, but it does. At least they know my name.

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